Can You Keep A Secret (Denis Stoff)

18

Since Lily was already gone again, I had no choice but to apologize to her over the phone. Of course I didn't truly mean it, but then does she really need to know that? Friendship is too important for sincerity. And just a single moment will do. She answered it. "What do you want?"

"I called to apologize," I said, repeating the words that I'd gone over a thousand times in my head. "You're right."

"Denis, I know that you're just saying this to make me feel better."

"I hate that you can see right through me." I sat on the ground.

"Tell me what's going on."

"That's just it. I don't know what's going on. It's like zero to sixty in under one second."

"Not the mood swings, I already know about your diagnosis."

"How's that?"

"After you left me alone, I decided to ask your doctor. He told me everything. Why did you never tell us?"

"How exactly did you expect me to bring it up?"

She sighed. "I suppose that's a good point. Aside from that though, what's up with the sudden changes? You were never suicidal before."

"The cadence of the voices. I just couldn't shut them out anymore." It made sense to me, but it wouldn't make any sense to her. And if she does understand, then I'll be really surprised. 

"Okay then, don't tell me. I guess this is why you chose to keep it all inside in the first place." Her words were frustrated, but her tone was relaxed. 

"I wish I could make you understand," I told her. "Maybe I can. Did Ben show you any of the demos yet?"

"All of them, just like he always does. Why?"

"Do you remember The Black? 'You make me feel like I'm fucking drowning.'"

"Yeah, of course."

"That's what it's like. Like drowning. But you can't cut them out, Lily. It's just not that easy. Maybe it is for you, but not for me."

"You think that it's so easy for me? You think that it was easy learning how to not flinch every time you snapped at me? Don't act like I don't have my own demons."

"Your parents." I always forget about that. Which brings us back to square one. I really don't deserve to feel this way. My bullshit is all in my head. She has the scars to prove hers.

"Yep. But I don't want to talk about them." Her voice quivered a bit. Hearing that they're still impacting her today is kind of sad. Back when we first met, it had only been about four years after she'd run away from them. Now it had been about seven. Crazy to think about. "But I can offer you a word of advice. You tell me that you can't shut voices inside of your head out, but have you ever tried talking to them? Instead of trying to ignore criticism, reverse it. It'll be just like you did while you were at the institution, only this time you'll actually believe it."

I thought about it. "I suppose that I could try that if I really wanted to." Then again, I don't really want to. It didn't work for me then, and it certainly won't work for me now. 

"I have another request while you're here." She inhaled. "I recently figured out that no one in my family, extended and immediate, is coming to the wedding. I guess that I should have predicted that. As my best friend, and because I don't really believe in tradition, I was wondering if you'd walk me down the isle?" I could practically hear her wincing. 

I was stunned to silence. "I-I-I don't know what to say." It was a yes or no question, so I suppose that I would probably be saying one of those things. 

"It's okay if you don't want to. I can always just pretend like someone else is there for me." She sighed. "You don't have to answer now, I can wait."

"No, no! It's not like that, I swear. I just really don't know how to respond to that. I don't even know what to do."

"You just ..... walk. It's pretty self explanatory." She laughed dryly. 

"If it means a lot to you, then I'll do it." 

"Really?"

"Really. It's got to be hard not having any of your family coming. And if not to prove that water is way thicker than blood, what are friends for?"

"There you are."

"What?"

"It's been a really long time since you've actually said anything that wasn't blaming us for your problems or talking about them. That's why Kir, and I, still have faith in you. I know that you're still good in there."

"Speaking of Kir, how's the old band doing?"

"Not so well. They're still looking for a replacement for you. But I think that he's happy that you're with the people that you used to dream about when you were younger."

"Dream about?"

"Don't act like Asking wasn't the reason why you started any of this in the first place."

"They're not. I liked a ton of other bands before they even existed."

"But they were still a part of it?"

I sighed. "But they were still a part of it." Lily does so love to be right, doesn't she?

"Denis," She began, sounding much more serious this time. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." I was sincerely glad that we'd made up, and I should really be the one thanking her for still putting up with me.

"If that's all that you want to tell me-"

"Oh, oh. Sure, I'll talk to you later."

"Bye." She hung up on me before I could repeat 'bye' myself.