Can You Keep A Secret (Denis Stoff)

6

(Before Denis tried to kill himself)

I was going to do it today. I had to tell him. If I didn't do it now, then it would never happen. Ben and Lily had just gotten engaged, and so that gives me the perfect time to confess. Just as long as Lily isn't around. She'll get upset and then feel guilty. But that's just the kind of person that she is. 

So, after I'd tried to burn myself, I went back to the bus. I found Ben sitting by himself in the front lounge. He looked bored, but beautiful as usual. I cleared my throat, feeling a heat creep up the back of my neck. My palms felt sweaty, so I rubbed them together to keep them still. "Hey, Ben? " 

He looked at me. "Where have you been? " He asked. 

I looked away. "I was just out. I needed some air. " 

"I understand. Did you hear the news? " 

"Oh, yeah. You're engaged. Congratulations. " I smiled lightly, for it was fake happiness. 

"To the greatest girl in the world. What did you want to tell me though? " 

My heart felt like it was going to explode, and my mouth felt dry. Has talking to Ben always been this hard? I sat down next time him. "I don't know how to say this, " I started. My voice sounded so bad. How could I tell him like this? 

"Don't worry. Just spit it out. " He held up his hand. "Wait, you didn't kill anyone, did you? " 

"No! It's nothing like that! " I scratched my arm. Is it hot in here? "Uh... Um...Ithinkthatihavefeelingsforyou. Pleasedon'ttellLilyshe'llbemad. " I spoke so fast I wasn't sure if I'd actually said what I meant to say. 

"I missed everything you just said." 

"Too fast? " 

"Not English. " 

I- what? "O-oh. Never mind. It's not important. " 

"Have you seen my cigarettes? " He asked, looking around. 

Oh..... "Yes. I took them when I left. "I thrusted then into his hands and out of my pocket. " Take your fucking cigarettes. " It's not like you ever cared about me anyways. 

"What's the matter with you? " He asked. 

"Nothing is the matter with me! " I stormed off, away from them once more. 

"Denis! Will you quit leaving us?! " Ben grabbed my arm while I was walking off of the bus. 

"I'm not leaving you! I need to be alone! " I pulled out of his grip, but he grabbed my shirt. Because they neckline was low and loose, instead of choking me, it slipped off. I looked down at the dark mark on my stomach. It looked a lot worse now than it had before. I turned around, covering it with my hand. "Give me that back! " 

Ben held it out of my reach, and I kept reaching for it until I fell back onto the bus. When I got up, I accidentally used both hands. I was afraid that Ben was going to see it, but he wasn't paying enough attention. Why did I expect for this to go any other way? 

What was I so afraid of? 

He would never care about this, just like the voice told me that he wouldn't. 

(Present Day) Ben's POV:

I woke up to the sound of someone calling my name. The funny thing is, I don't remember falling asleep. But here I was, lying on the floor, and Denis was in the bed. He was asleep, but fidgeting. "Mmmmm...Ben," He spoke in his sleep.

Is he dreaming about me?

"F-f-fuck," He whispered, turning over. "Fuck me."

At first I thought that exhaustion was just causing me to hear things, but when I moved the sheets off of Denis to get him to wake up, I saw that he was in fact having a wet dream, and a damn interesting one at that. Or at least that's what the bulge said to me. 

"Fuck, Ben," Denis spoke slightly louder, but was clearly still sleep talking. 

"Wake up, you horny ass!" I shouted in his ear. 

Denis pushed me away with his hand. "Don't wake me up, Ben," He complained before cracking his eyes open. 

"You were talking in your sleep." I crossed my arms. 

Denis sat up. "And what was I saying?"

"Enough for me to know that you were having a wet dream about me."

"Oh- shit." He put his hands over his face. "I meant to tell you about that forever ago. But you didn't care....and-"

"Wait, what do you mean I didn't care?"

He sighed. "Remember the night that you and Lily got engaged?"

I nodded. "Of course I do."

"I ran off with your cigarettes to go and burn myself for the first time. You didn't even ask about that. But when I tried to tell you about my feelings, it came out in Russian, and you didn't even care enough to ask for me to repeat it!" He yelled at me.

"You told me that it wasn't important!" I defended.

"Oh, that's rich. You couldn't see that something was wrong? That I was always looking at you and Lily so longingly? I wasn't jealous of you for being with her, Ben. I was jealous of her for being with you!"

I slammed my head against the wall. "I'm going to tell you the same thing that I tell Lily when she says things like that: I AM NOT A FUCKING MINDREADER! I don't know what you're thinking. I don't know how you feel. I can't figure it out for myself. If you don't say something, I'll never know."

Denis put his face into the pillow, screaming. "Which is exactly why I never told you!!"

I pulled him up, putting my hands on his shoulders. "You think that I don't care about you, all because of this, and that's why you wrote me that suicide note. You thought that I wouldn't save you?" I spoke as gently as I possibly could.

He blinked, and a single tear fell from his eye. In all of my time with him, I don't think I've ever seen him cry. But he nodded, just a little.

This really is all my fault.