What the heart wants

Chapter 40

Sana glances warily at the pair. Something is odd because her intuition and common sense are telling her it's peculiar that Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung are not bickering with each other and are actually watching a film in silence.

It's even more odd that they're stealing glances at each other when the other person is not looking.

Mina doesn't miss it either. She pretends she doesn't see it. She thinks if she ignores the reality, maybe the dull ache in her heart would go away.

Nayeon watches Jeongyeon whose eyes are fixed on the television. But her gaze is empty and blank like her mind is elsewhere and Nayeon knows where exactly it is.

She glances at Chaeyoung who's looking at Jeongyeon through the corner of her eyes.

Nayeon feels her throat tighten and the muscles in her neck stiffen. Her head hangs low, heavy with the dark thoughts occupying them.

When she looks back up, she catches Mina's eyes. They look pained just like hers but what throws her off balance is the faint hint of concern flickering behind those warm brown eyes.

She smiles reassuringly and averts her eyes cursing herself for letting the mask slip even if for a moment.

When Mina calls her mother that night, she lets out a sob she's been holding and lets the grief wash over her as her mother whispers words of comforts in her ears.

Nayeon hears the muffled sobs coming from behind closed doors as she goes to the kitchen.

Her shoulders sag defeatedly as she puts the glass of water down in the sink, leaving it untouched.

The pattern doesn't change.

She feels Jeongyeon pull away little by little, not just from her but from everyone. She feels Chaeyoung grow quieter by day. She hears Mina's gut wrenching sobs at night when everyone's sleeping.

And there's nothing she can do to fix this.

Because even though everyone thinks she's the strongest person of the group, always cracking jokes even in the hardest of moments and hangs on to her words and cling on to her for comfort because of the happy go lucky persona she wears, they don't know it's a just a distraction from seeing the real her, a person just as vulnerable and fragile as them with a heart that's been broken and shattered a million times but carefully put back together because the cruelty of life is it has to go on.

A heart that longs to fly again, stretch it wings and soar, but stays drowning and suffocating in the darkness that's all consuming.

Halbi, why do you say I have the brightest eyes when they're so dark? She remembers asking her grandfather when she was young.

Because my darling, darkness doesn't mean absence of light, it just means there's a lot of light that's absorbed.

I have a lot of light in me? Her eyes had widened.

Always have and always will.

She remembers it like yesterday how he had kissed her forehead and said those words with determination. She wishes he was around to give her back that faint sliver of hope, to tell her she's won't drown in darkness because she carries the light inside.

Sleep doesn't come easy to her that night.

"Hurry up. We are going to be late." Jihyo yells at the girls who are falling and stumbling all over the living room in the rush to look for their footwear and socks.

It's like a bloody Armageddon every time they step out. She lets out a frustrated sigh wondering why they always look for their socks last minute like a bunch of kids.

"Yo, I found one with a bunny and one with a penguin." Momo dangles two socks in her hand.

Mina and Nayeon who've been searching for the missing pair quickly take it from her hand and slip it on their feet afraid Jihyo is going to go on another rant again.

When they finally make it to the press event, a rude journalist has the audacity to ask Jihyo why she looks the oldest when she's younger than Nayeon.

Nayeon steps on his feet accidentally on the way out after the conference. When he lets out a loud groan and winces in pain she smiles sweetly at him and says, "I'm so sorry, the sunlight in my face is blinding."

Tzuyu sniggers behind her hand because it's dark outside.

Jihyo looks at Nayeon like she brings the sun up every morning when she rises.

Jeongyeon thinks she is the sunshine.