outerbanks || jj maybank imagines

it should've been me

this is something new. it's an au, something that i and a few other writers i did some brainstorming with thought would do well. i also don't know JJ's birthday, so I chose a random day.

...

August 28, 2023

Dear Diary,

Today felt a little different than average, I got up and my first thought wasn't about him. I ate breakfast and thought about psychology, and the paper that I have due at the end of the week. Then I took a shower and listened to music without breaking down.

I almost made it to lunch before the sadness hit me like a terribly driven bus. I was told the grief process would go by faster than this. It's been dragging along for almost 2 years.  This book is supposed to help, but I only feel like I'm rehashing my own pain.

I sat and ate the food Ally made me, trying to hide the pain from my face. The fact that she didn't really know what happened made it worse. She met him once, and was only 11 when he met ends. Not young, not exactly old.

She didn't cry, not like i did. Then again, she didn't find his lifeless body lying in the sand. She didn't feel the rage towards his killer the way I did.

I had to choke down my food and swallow my feelings before I left for class.

During class, I was able to keep myself together more than usual, I kept my mind from wandering and I focused on the situation at hand, which was finishing the school year and getting my associates degree, so that I could go to art school.

Those were the conditions my parents agreed upon. I had to finish high school, and get my associates in business, and then I would be allowed to do what I wanted to do.

Getting through college is about the only consistency I have in my mind. Ally is my only friend, and that's only because it's an obligation, being sisters and all.

Once class was finished, I sat in the car for about an hour in the parking garage parking lot.

Then something really unexpected happened. Kiara texted me. I won't lie, at first I neglected to read it, in fear of what she might have had to say.

But eventually l looked. She asked me to come down to Kildare for JJ's birthday.

I cried for an hour. And then some more. Honestly, I'm surprised I'm getting as little teardrops on this journal as I normally do.

I told her I would and that I'd be there in 2 days. I didn't attend last year. It hurt too much. Seeing his picture and knowing the horrible fate he got, and the fact that it should've been me.

The worst part is, it that I can remember what happened like it was yesterday.

We were all on edge, waiting patiently for something, anything really from John B or Sarah. It was tearing everyone apart, even JJ and I, which in our 2 years of dating, had never happened,

I decided that I was gonna go home, but he insisted on walking me to my car. We ended up at the beach, just walking. I could see some people down the horizon, but I didn't say anything.

Then I went to my car to get a blanket.

I was taking my time, then I heard arguing, followed by a gunshot.

I'd never ran so fast in my life.

Rafe stood over his body. A crazed smile on his face and a gun in hand.