Absquatulate: (n.) to leave without saying goodbye.
I was sitting on the bedroom floor, with dried up tears on my face and my body drained on energy.
Lying there limplessly as I held a letter close to my chest was the only thing I was doing all night.
I didn't know what to believe, I didn't want to believe it, I didn't think it could be real, why would it be?
Why would seokjin leave me? Why would my fiance leave me all alone? Breaking up through a letter?
The contents of the letter made it worse for me, as I read it, I felt like someone was tearing pieces of flesh off of me.
'Y/n, you may not know why I chose to do this, but I can't keep being like this' why? What happened?
' I just know y/n, I know it's my fault but I realize that I don't love you, I'm not capable of love' he doesn't love me?
'please let me go and find someone else.' that was the end of the short letter. Not even an explanation seokjin?
Was it my fault? Am I not lovable? Is it my fault for pestering him too much? Would he want me to chase after him?
Why was I the one that was crumbling in darkness? But would I want him to be in my position? No. I wouldnt.
I loved him too much, his eyes, his smile and his stupid dad jokes that somehow made me laugh for hours.
The night was a painful one, we were almost about to be married in 4 months, just two weeks ago, he asked me to start preparing for the wedding and now this?
He didn't even give me a proper goodbye, he could've talked face to face, or called, but he chose to leave a short note.
The fact that he didn't even care to say it directly to my face made me feel disappointed in myself.
Was I always destined to be abandoned? Was I born to be a disappointment? Am I never gonna be enough?
I knew I couldn't exactly blame him, I should've seen it, but this love for him inside of me was burning me alive.
I wanted so badly to end my suffering at this moment, the memories of him seemed to come up to my mind quickly.
Every ounce of my strength was being channelled into sadness and disappointment for myself.
The self hatred threatened to graze the corners of my heart, causing extreme pain to me.
Seokjin, I poured my everything to love that man. That man who became my everything. I knew I fell too deep.
I could hear the sound of my heartbreaking, I could feel myself fall back into the darkness, I could feel the uglier impact of my fall from this high.
His warm eyes with the comforting look that made you feel like you could conquer the world were now more clear than ever.
His genuine smile when he was so happy sent waves of warmth through my heart. I didn't need a reason.
Every part of him, every single part of him made me feel like I wasn't all that I thought I was.
He was the one that brought out the good in me and now he was gone, it was far too painful for me to accept.
I knew it was my fault, I deserved to be abandoned, I knew I shouldn't have desired for more, I knew I shouldn't have been greedy.
Angry tears made way to my eyes, making me feel disgusted at myself, why was it that he had this much of an impact over me.
Just why did it have to be me? Why was I always destined to suffer? Should I just end this?
I knew that I shouldn't, but I wanted to hurt myself so badly, somehow doing that released a lot of the pain.
So taking the sharp blade in my drawer, Fresh cuts were made on my hands, bringing blood to the surface.
Somehow, the pain on my body felt like nothing compared to the hurt I felt.
I knew, I didn't deserve him, but that tiny hint of greed took over me, I wanted to be with him so badly, I should've known it was just pity, nothing else.
Just then, I got a call from jin, wiping my tears with lots of hope, I picked it up.
" Hello jin? Where are you?" I asked excitedly.
" Y/n? I'm sorry I just-" he stopped.
" It's okay jin, just come home everything will be fine." I smiled happily hearing his voice.
" Y/n I can't- I'm sorry, I can't keep doing this-" he stopped before continuing.
" I just called you to say goodbye y/n, I thought you deserved a goodbye at least." his crisp voice rang through my ear.
"T-to s-say go-goodbye?" my phone fell down, at the same pace with my tears as my heart shattered.
