I was just walking back home. Even though I knew many people would recognize you immediately, I didn't care, why would I? After losing hope on myself? I was supposed to write a song in two days and yet I couldn't complete it, there was something missing, its either the rap, or the beats or its just me. I am such a shame for all of the band members aren't I? I am just a burden, I am an incapable leader. I'm not worthy to be the leader of CANDY, I really am not. I just wanted to end everything. I kept getting messages from my manager asking me to take rest and not think too much about it but its hard not to. Well, the hate comments added salt to the wounds. All I see are hate comments. Of course others in my band are good too, but we all have unique qualities, just because I'm the main rapper doesn't mean I can not do vocals, even if I did, no one appreciates me. So I wanted to practice harder. Tonight, yoongi was taking me out as he just got back from tour and has a day off. He came to me, but I just talked half heartedly to him, he noticed the change and asked me about it. All I gave him was a "I'm tired" and I was, well it was a partial truth at least. He decided to distract me, usually it works, but today, I just don't know what is happening to me, I don't know why I'm like this. "Lauren, are you okay babe?" Yoongi asked making me slightly shiver. I just replied with I'm fine and he nodded hesitatingly. I knee that he was not gonna let this go, so I said that I am not feeling well and that I wanted to leave. So he sighed and took me to his car and drove me home. He walked me to the door. "Yoongi, can you please, just for today, like-" before I could complete he hugged me tightly and kissed me. After he pat my head and said "Lauren, I know that you are stressed and that you need space, I understand, call me tomorrow when you feel better. I love you, just remember that." And left. I just nodded and went to my room, as he walked out. I wen ahead and lay down On the bed. I then started sobbing slowly and the sobs slowly grew louder. I felt worthless, like a burden on this planet, am I ruining everything? And just when this was happening, my phone was blowing up. I took a good look at it, it was a picture of me and yoongi. At the door when he was hugging me. The caption is what hurt me the most. " this bitch is like a rock around my oppa's neck. What's wrong with this slut?". That's what it said. It was retweeted so many times and there were rude comments everywhere. Asking me to die. Okay, its what they want. Let me do one thing right this time atleast,. So I went ahead and took a blade. It was very sharp but without hesitation I took it and cut my hands. Now my hands and arms had fresh wounds over them. My eyes became blurry with tears and I couldn't see what I was doing. I successfully hurt myself. Again.
I then threw the blade in the bin and put on a black hoodie. And then I started writing a rap, it was diss track for the anti. I then did my dance choreo non stop in my practice room. I'm gonna ruin those haters. I then checked the clock to see it was 4am but I still kept going until my legs felt weak. My body was numb all over now. I passed out. I then slightly stirred to see a crying yoongi hugging me and the boys trying to calm him down. Yoongi, he never cries, at least not in front of everyone. It hurt me even more to see him like this. I feel like I'm the reason.
Yoongi then saw me and hugged me even tighter. He let it all out and then he finally sat straight.
"WHAT WERE YOU THINKING LAUREN!?" He screamed for the first time at me. I didn't say anything. I just stayed still.
He then gave me an angry look and with that I gave in.
" I was practicing, um, i- all night " I said.
"Why?"
"Because I'm not good enough, for anyone."
"Lauren, I love you so much, you're the best thing that happened to me okay? You got me out of depression. You helped me when I had no inspiration. You became my inspiration by becoming such a good leader of candy. Please don't say that you aren't good enough." He said and held my arm. I slightly flinched and then regret it immediately. He pulled my arms and took a look at it.
"Lauren, did you really have to do this?" Namjoon who was quiet all the time spoke up in a vulnerable tone.
Yoongi couldn't say anything, he let his tears slip again.
Namjoon talked to me, he motivated me. Yoongi gave me hope to live. Hoseok told me to smile through the bad times, jin scolded me and told me to put myself first, jimin asked me to love myself, tae told me to not be afraid of my drawbacks and own them. Jungkook told me that he'd help in anything I want, he took a promise from me asking me not to hurt myself ever again. I kissed yoongi and cried my heart out. Thank you yoongi, for being with me, with all the pain of mine.
