Illicit Affairs

twenty-six. don't want a hero

After I've decided to text Aria to come back to our dorm, I feel like I have a better grasp on life even if that seems overly dramatic. I can control something though, and that's why when she walks in, I blurt out a few words.

"I don't want you to get hurt," I tell her immediately.

"What do you mean? I'm here for you."

She's clearly confused, and I can't blame her. I can control this.

Not her, I mean.

I can control how close we are.

I have to cut her off before everything gets worse.

"This- I'm- I am not your problem. You have your own life to live," I explain.

I can tell that she finally understands what I mean based off the fact that her mouth goes down into a frown.

Her emotions clearly change as she says, "stop right there. This is exactly the kind of treatment that I want to avoid when I let people know about my mental illness. They act as if I'm some fragile piece of glass."

"It's not that! I just don't want to drag you down with me!" I yell at her in frustration, adding, "but you know what? I am worried that you'll start to isolate yourself again. I don't want to see you like that, it hurts me too."

She rolls her eyes, and says, "I don't want some wannabe hero who thinks they're going to save me. I want you."

Her words hit me like bricks. I stay silent because my mind is going through a thousand possible responses that I can come up with.

My mind turns back to the past, and I remember that there are people like that who act like wannabe heroes. They treat friendship like a business transaction. They constantly dwell on the mistakes of others but never take a look at their own. They act selfishly, constantly looking for a new acquaintance to fulfill their unattainable standards while ignoring your presence no matter how hard you try to be there for them.

I can understand where she's coming from because those are the people that will suddenly swoop in at the last second and act like they saved the day even though they were never around.

It'll be radio silence until the award show comes on, and suddenly they're accepting the beloved prizes for being the praiseworthy savior of everyone around them.

I hate those people. Nonetheless, her words do ring true because I can't act like I'm a knight in shining armor who wants to go on a journey alone while leaving others behind to "protect them." I can't acknowledge the wrongness of certain people's actions and then say something that reminds me of them, even if I don't resemble them. Even if it isn't on the same level, I need to do better.

For me.

She stands up, and heads to the door. She instantly opens it, and I expect her to leave.

She doesn't though.

She just stands there.

She turns back around.

She looks at me, and says, "I'm not going to run away from this."

She sits back on the bed on her side of the room, and waits for me to say something.

"Let's talk about it," I tell her.

"I get that you're worried about me, whatever. But when are you supposed to take care of yourself? You spend your time trying to come up with solutions for everyone else but you hardly do the same for yourself. Now, you're trying to push me away."

"I'm sorry," is all I can say.

She always sees right through me. My well thought out plans are somehow always shot down to the ground by her.

Two months ago I would have wondered why she even bothered giving a fuck about me, but things have changed. I've changed and so has she. Life in general has changed. She's saying this to me because she wants the best for me.

She cares about me.

I want to be her mental escape, but that's not possible. Not when I need to figure my own shit out.

"You don't want me to get hurt. Okay. I don't want you to keep feeling hurt. I'm not going to ditch you just because things are hard. I mean that. I'm here for you," Aria says.

She really cares about me.

"I'm sorry," I repeat.

She ignores my apology and tells me, "I've fucked up so many times, but the worst thing I ever did was try to push you away. I'm not going to let you make the same mistake."

I find some amusement in that, and I say, "a mistake? Damn, you're so full of yourself."

"My presence is an honor," she says as she laughs and dramatically flips her hair around her shoulders.

She makes light out of the moment, and even draws a smile from my lips in the way that she best knows.

I decide to be more serious once again, and I ask her, "what should I do about my parents?"

"Give them time. They'll either eventually come around or they won't."

"What happens if they don't?"

It's my biggest worry, and even Aria isn't able to provide some relief as she responds, "don't think about that right now. Don't assume the worst."

It's too late for that though, because my mind has already gone down the waterfall into a dark pit of nothingness. She means well, but she doesn't know my parents like I do.

They're never going to accept me. I never bothered fully preparing for this moment because I had always assumed that I would marry Cole and the subject would never come up.

Except, it wouldn't have mattered if I had prepared or not.

I don't think that anything can prepare you for this painful moment when everything is over. It feels like I worked so hard just to be met with the same miserable results. I'm never going to be the same.

My very own heart of gold has turned into stone.