Illicit Affairs

seven. i'm the enemy

Aria is loud and annoying, but the obnoxious girl I know has disappeared. She's become silent and still, sitting as if nothing in the world exists. It reminds of how she was at the start of the year, unmoving and quiet for some time.

I don't even know who she is. I don't know if that's normal. I don't know what I should do. I had learned more about her through our conversation the other day, but it wasn't exactly enough.

Still, I try to check up on her. Each day. In between classes, I rush to my dorm and see if she's there. She always is.

She's just sitting there, asleep or mindlessly scrolling through her phone. I find her annoying, but it doesn't mean that I'm not worried about her.

After a week of going through this constant process of checking in on her and making no progress, I finally call her out on her actions.

"Aria, you can't stay here forever. What about your classes? Your life?"

I want to know what's bothering her so that I can try to make her feel better. Except, I barely know anything about her so my attempts to figure her out have inherently failed.

She's rude as she responds, "you wouldn't understand."

"Make me understand," I tell her simply.

I sit on the edge of her bed, and she tries to move away as much as possible. She ends up pressed tightly against the wall, trying to get away from me. I hate it when people corner me like that, but I'm doing this with good reason.

I just hope that she doesn't hate me for doing that.

When she sees that I'm not leaving, she says, "just go away. You've been fine with leaving me here the entire time. Why suddenly care now?"

I think she's referring her to this entire week as to how I thought that leaving her alone was better to do rather than confronting her. I didn't know that was what she had wanted— for me to talk directly to her about whatever is happening. I'm not an expert at what goes on in her head. I couldn't have known.

"I care, even if I don't show it. And by the way, I'm not as heartless as you think I am. I thought that you already knew that."

She takes a deep breath before she tells me, "you just wouldn't understand what it's like. I'm stuck in this state of either being numb or sad. I either feel nothing or everything. I'm used to it at this point."

I'm surprised that she actually confided in me, and I don't want to let that go to waste.

"Do you want to explain more?" I ask her.

She rolls her eyes, but then goes on to say, "depression is weird. It's my enemy, but it's in my brain. So technically, I am the enemy. I'm just used to it now, even though it sucks."

"Just because you're used to it doesn't make it any less important. You'll be okay, I know that. Trust me."

When she hears my response, she laughs bitterly.

I immediately know that I said something wrong for her standards.

"'You'll be okay.' That's what everyone says you know. Do you know what it feels like to be going through this cycle for years?  I always end up like this. Always, so excuse me if I don't believe you when you say that I'll be okay."

She truly seems to believe that, and that hurts me.

I wish that I could say the right thing. I wish that I could suddenly make whatever pain she's feeling go away. I don't think that anyone deserves to feel that way.

"I really do think that you'll be fine though, and it may not—"

She cuts me off.

"Just stop. You say that as if it'll suddenly fix me. As if that's somehow the solution to all of my problems! Saying that doesn't help as much as you think it does. It just makes me feel stupid for not already feeling okay."

I stay silent.

I can't relate to the way that she's feeling but I can relate to how saying those words won't magically fix everything. Those are the words I constantly repeat to myself when it comes to thinking about being trapped with Cole for the rest of my life. As if they'll fix everything and I'll be fine.

Except, words can't always fix everything. There isn't always a clear solution to everything. So, I understand her in that way.

I understand that words aren't what she needs right now.

I ask her if I can hug her and she hesitantly nods. It feels strange to hug someone who just weeks, even days ago I was getting into constant fights with. I try to put that behind me and instead of thinking about that, I hug her closely.

She leans into the hug, and we're in such a peaceful silence that I almost question why I ever hated her in the first place.

The moment is ruined when she pulls away and harshly says, "alright. Enough of the sappy stuff."

She tries to hide and turn away, but I catch her wiping a tear from her face. I feel content, knowing that I at least helped her feel instead of keeping the emotions inside. Even if it only lasted for a moment.

"Please talk to me, anytime," I remind her.

She rolls her eyes, and says, "I said enough of the sappy stuff!"

I hear my phone go off, and I check the screen for the notifications.

It's Cole, who's asking me what he should tell his parents about my whereabouts. He adds a screenshot of several messages exchanged with his mom, who wants to know where I am and why I'm not with Cole. I hate his parents as much as I do my own for what they've done to me, and I almost feel bad for him.

Except, I remember that Cole is horrible. I'm not saying that he deserves this, but, it doesn't mean that I'm going to come up with the excuses for him.

I leave him on read.

I decide to stick around with Aria, who's still comfortable isolating herself and staying quiet like she has been for some time. I stay in the silence, and I wisely decide not to interrupt it. It's not my moment to barge in or come up with a dumb comment about anything.

I'm going to be a good friend, and that means that I'm not going to make anything worse for her.

We stay peaceful in the silence, trying to comfort each other.

Nothing is fixed. I don't know what this means for Aria, but I do know that I'll try to support her. Whatever that support may look like for her.

I understand that there's a million different point of views when it comes to mental illness. This is my perspective. Please, if you're struggling with something- talk to someone about what you're going through. I promise you that you're not alone.