Illicit Affairs

nineteen. date me

After a few hours pass, I realize that I don't need Spencer's help. He's always been a nice friend and provided resources for me, but I can't rely on him. I don't want to stress him out any longer.

Instead of worrying about my family right now, I leave that on my to-do list as I prioritize my current issues with Aria. I take a deep breath, counting to 10 and I keep reminding myself that I'll be okay.

I look outside my window, finding a sense of peace in the fast pace of the snow. I think it's interesting how no matter what, the snow never stops falling.

It perseveres and does its job, leaving a fresh glow of white on the ground and on anyone it encounters.

I promise I'm not crazy, I just think it's calming.

It's a nice sense of stability that exists in the world, a huge contrast to what my life seems to be. I grab my plastic bottle full of water because despite the environmental consequences of using plastic, at least it won't break if something happens.

I take a long sip, savoring the taste of the nothing and everything that water is. It soothes my throat, and when I hear the door loudly open, the bottle slips out of my hand and doesn't break, as expected.

I quickly pick it up, rolling my eyes at Aria's laughter as she asks, "are you okay?"

"Don't act like you care," I tell her.

I make eye contact with her, smiling at the nice shade of green that's like a forest of mystery. She's gorgeous as always, wearing a grey peasant top and black jeans. Her favorite pair of white converse accompany her, and she has hints of silver in the forms of a necklace and a ring.

"If I didn't care then I wouldn't be asking," she says.

"I'm okay. I was talking with my mom and she's annoying like always," I tell her.

She listens carefully, asking, "you want to talk then?"

She sits next to me on my bed, waiting intently for me to start talking.

If only it were so easy to verbally ask my questions.

"I think I'd rather talk about something else. So obviously, I like you. And you like me."

"And?"

"I was thinking about changing what we've had."

She laughs, asking, "damn, we've only had sex once. Was it really that bad that you don't want to do it anymore?"

"No!" I say immediately, feeling myself turn red. "I do want that. I just want... something more."

"What? Like a relationship?"

"Yeah, a relationship," I respond.

I try to look at her for a hint of a facial expression that mark her feelings, but she's blank. She pauses, before saying, "I don't know about that."

"What do you mean?"

It sounds like a no, but I still want an explanation. I just want to know why not.

"Relationships are complicated. I like you and I want it to stay that way... I don't want a relationship to ruin how we view each other."

"Wouldn't it improve how we view each other?" I ask.

"Not if we break up. It's just too much commitment."

I try to remain sympathetic, but I can't help but feel disappointed.

Too much commitment? I'm not worth it?

"I just don't really do relationships," she says.

"Ok, that's fine. I get it. I'm sorry for asking," I say.

I get up, ignoring Aria as she tells me, "calm down, it's not a big deal."

I run my hands through my hair, sighing as I realize that she's right. It's not a big deal. It's not my fault if I'm not enough for her to want a relationship.

That's okay.

Everything is okay.

I decide to tell her, "still, I'm sorry. I put you on the spot."

"You don't need to apologize for anything. You actually want a relationship... with me?"

"Obviously, or else I wouldn't be asking you, idiot," I tell her as I can't help but roll my eyes at her stupid comment.

She can be oblivious when she wants to be. She can ignore my adoring comments when she doesn't feel like listening. She can even forget about my existence when she doesn't want to deal with life.

She smiles, and says, "I just find it crazy that four months ago you hated me, and now you want to date me."

"You know that you don't have to rub it in my face that you said no, right?" I ask bitterly.

"Right. Sorry."

I ignore her worried comments, and I decide to inform her about what'll be happening soon, "I'm heading back home in two weeks."

"Really?" The surprised expression on her face is impossible to hide.

"Yeah, my parents are super excited to see me."

"And how are you feeling?"

"I'm obviously super excited to see them too!" I say sarcastically, as I make two thumbs up signs with a fake smile.

"You'll get through it," she tells me. "This year is going to be different than every other year."

"Why?"

All she says is, "you have me," before standing up and wordlessly leaving me there alone.