Illicit Affairs

sixteen. let me explain!

That day, I'm hurrying back to my room on a quest to find Aria. After my discussion with Spencer, it had left me with a different view on life, no matter how dramatic that sounds. I've already screwed everything up by getting involved with Aria, I might as well try to figure out if telling my family about my sexuality is the best move. 

I had admitted that to Spencer, and it had been like a breath of fresh air for him. It is for me too, though right now I need to move in baby steps. That's why I'm going to try to talk to Aria about everything.

As I walk up the stairs to my dorm, I nearly slip like five times because of how clumsy I am. I obviously blame it on the stupid ice or my slippery boots rather than, you know, myself.

I gather the courage to trudge up to the front door, trying to relax before I use my key to open it. I walk inside, finding Aria sitting on her bed, reading a book.

The familiar sight of her crimson red lips draw me in, and I try to smile fondly as she makes eye contact with me. She sighs annoyedly, then lays her book down. She sits up, trying to match my straight posture as I lay back on my desk chair.

I barely manage to slip off my boots and my long coat before she speaks up, saying, "is there something you want to tell me?"

"Um, I don't know. You really want to talk about it?" I ask confusedly.

Now that I'm here right in front of her, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I don't think I'm ever sure of what I'm supposed to do. I was so confident only two seconds ago.

My fingers are clinging on to the strings of my beige cardigan, looking for something to do as a nervous habit. She's looking intently, clearly wanting me to spit out the explanation already.

"Celeste, come on. Explain."

I stare at her again, finding great comfort in her vibrant eyes. They're two mysterious forests that I can't help but want to explore. They're comforting, but they also never expose her emotions. My eyes trace down, looking over her tight white top that she's chosen for today. It's paired with grey joggers, and her usual selection of white Converse.

She repeats, "explain."

She says it slowly, wanting to get her point across and it's something I obviously understand. I decide to stay silent again because even though I was determined to tell her the truth, I still don't know how I can approach the subject.

I can't dance around the truth any longer.

The only other person who knows the truth is Spencer, and I'm about to let her in to my complicated world.

What if she doesn't stay?

My mind goes over to more hopeful thoughts as I look at her blank face.

What if she does stay?

She licks her lip, doing that thing that drives me wild and makes me want to kiss her. The timing is obviously inappropriate though, so I take a deep breath.

And I launch into the long and complex explanation of my life.

She stays silent the entire time as if she's taking notes in her mind and coming up with her list of questions. It feels like it takes forever to introduce my entire life's story to her. As I talk about the details of how I've been trying to end the relationship with Cole the moment it had started, she seems hopeful.

She interrupts me, asking, "so Cole has no idea? He doesn't know about our kiss?"

"He doesn't have any idea. He just thinks that I'm awkward and quiet. And that's because I am, it's just not in the way he expects."