Illicit Affairs

ten. don't mind me

The next few days are full of awkward silence and hostile stares. She's angry at me for whatever reason, but I can't quite figure out how to make this better. I also don't think that it's my responsibility to fix this. She's the one that's mad at me.

I have the habit of trying to find the solution to everything, even if it isn't my fault. I'm letting go of that though. I'm not going to do that with Aria. I remind myself of that even when I catch sight of her in the college hallways and find myself with the urge to talk to her.

She might want some space. She's always like that. When she gets sad, she tends to isolate herself. I wish that she didn't do that, I wish that she communicated. I don't know what it's like in her brain though, so I'm not going to blame her for that. It doesn't seem like it's something easy for her to do, so why should I judge her?

I don't even know whether I'm thinking the right thing or not. What is right? What is right to think when Aria is mad at me?

Aria and I hated each other the first few months here, but I felt like I had become friends with her at least. Now, her being angry with me bothers me so much more than it ever did before.

Right now, I'm in class, sitting at one of the few empty areas where I won't be bothered by anyone. The professor begins his lecture, but my mind is still running wild.

Aria keeps my mind busy. I'm searching for excuses and memories and words for everything when it comes to her.

Even though she probably hates me again, I'll still consider her to be an almost-friend. I think that everything will go back to normal soon.

Hopefully.

I'm trying my best to concentrate on whatever my professor is saying, but it's almost impossible. It also doesn't help when Cole finds his way through the large room, and slithers his way to the back where I am. He's wearing a black Adidas sweatshirt with long navy pants and matching black shows. It's basic, but it makes sense since that's the kind of person he is.

He's a cookie cutter person. His sense of humor is dull, and his selection of topics to discuss always bore me. There's nothing terribly wrong with him, but there also isn't anything necessarily extraordinary about him. His grin and empty blue eyes are generic. Everything, from his curly light brown hair to his name are just comfortable.

That's just what he is.

Visibily at least. His personality is something that I know less about. I remember he was extremely nice to me in our first year of dating, thinking that he actually had a chance with me, but then he turned cold. He's now kind to me when has to be or when he wants something from me.

Like right now, he's telling me about how his mom is asking about how I am. He wants a real response from me.

"Didn't we just do this?" I ask him rudely.

I'm absolutely tired of him. He constantly invades my daily life. Now, he's invading my personal space as he leans in to kiss me.

I'm about to push him away, but out of the corner of my eye, I catch sight of his camera. It's simply time to put on another show.

I feel nothing as his hard lips rest on mine, imitating what a real kiss must be like. I'm used to these performative shows of affection, but it doesn't mean that it still doesn't annoy me. My eyes are closed tightly shut and when I finally hear the small click of the phone, I pull away immediately. The smell of his cheap cologne hangs around, and it's such as a strong scent that I feel my head start to hurt.

He shows me the photo, but I barely glance at it. It'll make me feel worse to see the painful photo. I hear him typing of a message, probably an creative story about our relationship, and I listen to the familiar sound of a text that's just been sent.

"What did you tell her?" I question.

He's thrown off, since usually, whenever he writes these stupid lies, I tell him to fuck off. Recently, I've started to express more interest in the stories, mainly because I've realized that this is real. This is my life, and I need to get used to it. He wordlessly hands me his phone, and I read through the short sentences. 

Celeste has been great! She's been busy with schoolwork (you know how she is) but she still finds time to be with me. Look at this photo of us!

Attached is the photo that I ignore. His story provides just enough information for his mom, and I know that she'll be satisfied with it. When I see a new message, my thoughts are confirmed as I read that she's happy to see us together. I give Cole his heavy phone back, feeling like a literal weight has been taken off of me.

"See you later!" Cole loudly yells, much to the dismay of everyone in the room, as he sprints out.

At least he's gone, finally leaving me alone. My complicated thoughts are already more than enough company for me. I continue looking at the screen full of information, but none of it makes sense.

Today is an off day. It's because of Aria, and I feel like I won't get some sense of peace until our fight is sorted out. I force myself to remember that I can't talk to her. I can't be the one that does everything first.

So, I make myself peer closer at the powerpoint and jot down some mindless notes. I try to focus in on what my professor is saying for the sake of my education.

I need to maintain some normalcy, and I can't lose everything just because Aria is mad at me.

I'm not going to fall into a hole of stress because of her anger.