Chasing a New Sunrise

Chapter 28

It's been over a week since Levi has been in school. We are already halfway through the second week and with each passing minute I worry about him. Maybe I'm being too nice in this whole situation, but I've come to the realization that it's only because I'm so desperate to hold onto these friendships. If this had happened before people turned on me maybe I would have had a normal response to everything.

A thousand questions race through my mind as I take my seat in art. Next to me his chair is empty again. The anger I feel for him has subsided into just plain worry. Not even Ethan has heard from Levi. We've all been to his house a few times just to check up, but no one has been there or maybe they just aren't answering the door.

The bell rings and once again the disappointment of him not being here hits me hard. My eyes burn and the clock above the doorway is starting to look blurry. I close my eyes trying to make it go away. I haven't cried since that first day back at school after Homecoming and now it feels like the floodgates are about to open.

"Alright class."

I release a shaky breath and open my eyes and the second I do standing in the doorway is Levi. My breathing pauses for a moment and I'm finding it hard to swallow. Ms. Ryan turns to the doorway.

"Nice of you to join us Mr. Harmon. Please take your seat."

He's frozen in the doorway, his eyes focused on the empty seat beside me. Levi looks like shit with heavy purple bags under his eyes. He looks like he hasn't slept in weeks. Not only are the bags noticeable, but the whites of his eyes are red. He doesn't say a word as he finally walks over and sits down next to me. Ms. Ryan starts talking again and I'm not sure if I can focus with him here.

For the first fifteen minutes of class while Ms. Ryan explains our next assignment, Levi is gripping the sides of his seat and his posture is rigid. He sits like that until we all take out our sketchpads to work on some shading techniques. I'm trying hard to ignore him and I think he's doing the same. There's a stabbing pain in my heart that I wish I could make go away. I press the pencil to the paper lightly everything is just coming out dark and not how it should.

Levi has his sketchpad out and the pencil sits diagonally in the center of the paper. He hasn't drawn anything. In the corner of my eye I catch something shiny in his hand - his key chain. Set between his thumb and pointer is the football key chain I threw at him. He runs his hand over it like if he does everything will magically get better.

Inside my chest, on top of the awful aching my heart pounds and the pulse in my neck throbs. My palms become sweaty on the pencil and shake with every stroke. The dark lines are smudging worse than usual and I can't seem to get the shading in the right spot. Everything is starting to feel claustrophobic as my eyes continue to glance over at him holding onto that key chain like it's all he has left of me.

Bile rises in my throat and if I don't get out of there I think I might throw up. Instead of raising my hand and doing this without putting on a show, I struggle to put my things back inside my backpack that hangs on the back of my chair. My hands shake so badly and I can sense everyone's eyes on me, including Levi's. I stand almost knocking the chair over and lift my backpack over my shoulder. Ms. Ryan calls for me, but I can't deal with being here for another minute.

I have no idea where I'm going, the hallways are empty but there is no way I'm crying here in the middle of it. A side door leading out to the field is my best escape. I push through it as footsteps pound the hard marble floor behind me. It's raining and the skies have opened up as I jog over to the bleachers in a spot where only small drops are coming down. The door I came though opens and Levi stands there searching the field. When he spots me he runs through the rain towards me.

Both of us stand there under the bleachers, water droplets pouring down our faces, some rain and other drops actual tears.

"Why did you follow me?"

I'm sobbing at this point and I don't even know why. Levi runs a hand through his wet hair and then takes one giant step towards me pulling me into him. I allow him to take me into his arms and hold me there. In my ear I hear his soft cries.

"I'm so sorry." His sobs are breaking me down. "Morgan, I"m so sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry."

Levi repeats the word sorry, over and over as we stand there in each other's arms. There is a big part of me that wants to forgive him and try again, but I know that I can't do that. I can forgive him, but after everything I've been through in Tulsa I can't trust him enough to be in a relationship. A friendship is all I can offer him now.

"And I'm sorry too. I'm sorry you thought that I was seeing Ethan behind your back. I'm sorry that he and I were that close to each other. I didn't want to hurt you Levi. I swear."

He holds me at arms length as his eyes rake over my entire body. I hate that he's hurting, even after what he did. He's got a lot of anger issues and other things that he should get in check.

"I know. I was an idiot for thinking that you were seeing him. This is all my fault, and I never meant to hurt you."

I reach my hand up to cup his cheek. I've missed feeling the warmth of his skin on mine. There will be a lot of things about being in a relationship with Levi that I'm going to miss. Maybe one day I can feel them again, but for now I think I need some time to just be me.

"I love you Levi, with all of my heart. I can honestly say that I love you so much that it hurts me to say what I'm about to say."

"No," he cries, reaching up to touch the hand I have on his face.

He holds my hand tight against his own cheek like he's trying so hard to hold on.

"I don't want to ever lose you Levi. Getting to know you was one of the best things to happen to me since I moved here. I would jump back into things with you, but maybe I'm just not ready for what we had. I need some time to process what happened between you and Angela. I also think I need time to heal from Tulsa. Could you find it in your heart to just be my friend?" I ask.

"You know how hard it will be for me to see you every day and not be able to kiss you? Of course I want to be your friend, I want you in my life and I'll take what I can get. I just, wish I didn't screw everything between us up. In a way it feels like I've lost you."

I shake my head, "Levi, you haven't lost me. Maybe in the future you and I can be something great. Most sane girls don't give their boyfriends who cheat on them a second chance, but I'm not those girls. I want things to work between us, but for now I think being friends is the best way to go."

"Can I ask for one last thing?" he questions.

"You make it sound like I've lost you for good."

My voice breaks and my heart shatters thinking about losing him completely.

Now it's his turn to place his hand on my cheek, and I fall right into his touch like I belong there.

"Can I kiss you one last time?"

I shouldn't do it, it will only make me hurt worse. Only, I want to. I want to remember what it feels like to have his lips on mine. I need to take that with me in hopes that maybe one day I can trust him as more than a friend again.

I reach up on my tip toes and press my lips into his. I can taste the saltiness of our tears mixing together as our mouths part. I lose myself in him as he draws me in. He pulls away just enough to rest his forehead against mine.

"You haven't lost me for good Morgan Adams. I promise you that one day I will be the man you need me to be. I'm going to win your heart back, I swear it."

He leans in one last time and kisses me. Levi and I are young and maybe one day in the future when the two of us have experienced a little more of life we can try this again. I'm not opposed to both of us growing and moving on and if we find each other in the end then it's meant to be, if not I hope that we both find happiness.