My Love Proses

Prose 14: Blown By Fate

I am never a fortune teller of all angles in this world. I am just sitting and pondering memories like a lost widow in the four-cornered untamed darkness. I was never a survivor. I am always barking on those false lambs, lingering like a prominent shepherd and pretending like a saint. I was a lady without lucid conviction.

Most of the time, when I was in the age of seven, I kept relying on my tough actions, brimming faith listlessly and fore-taking religion into sour oblivion.

Most of the time, when I was in between ten and eleven years young, I did not believed that someone may do or might save me from inevitable death and I am not fond of reassuring myself that there is a second life.

Most of the time, when I was twelve, I never tried to realize that heaven and hell exists, nor God together with his prophets and Satan with his inferiors. I have only believed that Earth is made of huge plain rocks and oceans. I have knew bible, how the Lord created and defended all the ruthless sins of people by letting himself summoned by the crucifix. I have knew how the Lord spoke to us with his gospels and words. Indeed, I have knew how deep was his eternal love to us.

Furthermore, I have knew how my mother and father felt bliss when they taught me about God's wisdom and capabilities. I have knew my purpose why I was born alive, breathing here in this world and why do I have to make my life worth-living in spite of negativity.

I have knew every single thing they had taught to me but, that everything was not enough to make me believe. I did not know the reasons. Reasons did not even knew how my principles in mind grew up so ill like this. I had the most wonderful gift in this world－my family who never left me since immemorial. Hence, I should feel fortunate. Why does my heart states otherwise?

Then, I concluded that my heart was hardly pounded and its pieces had been blown by fate, far away from my soul where Jesus Christ belongs. I was thirteen years old, when I experienced the greatest change in my living. My Dad left me at his sister's home. Days gone by without my parents on my side. Apparently, I arched myself to understand things for once.

I am so impatient. I was selfish back then. I cannot wait to see my mother again after her delivery, not even getting a little excitement of having a newborn youngest sibling. I am desperate for numerous attention and not contented. I provoke myself by wondering that my entire journey will finally be worst until forever. Or so do I thought.

The soul I have from yesterday was beyond reach. Suddenly, my bad errands had been immediately pulled back. Another spirit came to me, most specifically, when my Dad called us on phone and uttered that Mom's life is between normal and deficit. Knowing that my Mom had an overabundant bleeding, it felt like thinking about her, slowly letting go until she reaches six feet below the ground. It was very heartbreaking for me. I almost called all the angels and Saints－just to let my mother survive.

Who would think that I was selfish? Wasn't it bad to boost my whim to let my Mom survive and stay alive?

Again, I was wrong. I was just too selfish. I always thought that Jesus is just a genie who could make my wishes come true, where in fact, I forgotten how to surrender myself to him and pray for his everlasting divine will. I always did thought about my Mother's condition, where in fact, I forgotten how to surrender her to the Lord and pray for a miraculous redemption. I always did thought how to overcome my needs and focus on my wants, where in fact, I did not let God construct his goals for me.

I always did thought that God is a typhoon, where in fact, I am the typhoon of myself. I cannot afford to lose my love ones. I became deaf of respecting my own religion. I neglected God for having him as my savior . I was a human controlled by an evil creature. I did not even knew how to pray each day and everyday.

However, God is really good. It is maybe a common quotation but I will never get tired of telling this world that our Almighty Father is good all the time. He gave me so much time to holistically grow on my own, reflect on my faults and gloriously praise him for everything he has done to me. From there, I have realized that what I had been gone was not a problem at all. It was a spiritual intention to attest my soul as a Roman Catholic in nature.

I forgot how to glorify and give gratitude to God for sending me here in this lovely universe he created. I forgot how to thank him for the gift of family . I forgot how to open my heart to him every time he knocks. I forgot to trust and adore him. I was greatly tested before. I did not lost God. I lost myself. He is my rescuer when I had bombarded myself with my own typhoon.

By his power, mercy and grace, my mother survived. I (Jeremiah 3:11, John 3:16) started to develop and nurture my faith even more by giving heartfelt service to everybody and sharing to everyone the words of the Lord.

Right now, at the age of sixteen, I am fully contented in my life that God gave me. I keep reminding myself that God is with me by staying as his disciple until eternity. Through pros and cons, I, or shall I say, we, should understand the depths of God, in order for us to love him, and at the same time, love ourselves and other people.

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Postscript: This is fictionally written by the author. Please be guided.