when all is said and done | e.d.

forty-five

ethan

grayson is over at my apartment sunday morning, since i called him over to be excited about all my new furniture with me.

he admires my wine rack and touches the house plants. "wow, ethan. what made you go out and buy stuff? this apartment has been borderline empty ever since you started renting it."

"i know, but i felt like a little change is good."

my brother turns to me with the most bewildered expression. "you? and change? those two words don't go together at all."

i sit down on the couch and prop my feet up on the coffee table. "what if i were to go back to school?"

this time grayson puts a hand out to my forehead as if checking if i have a fever. i swat the hand away and motion for him to sit down next to me.

"what are you talking about?" he asks nervously. "we graduated already. you have your degree."

"and i'm doing nothing with it!"

"but... why the sudden interest now? why would you go back to school if you already have what you need?"

"that's the thing," i lean forward on my elbows. "remember when i was a student teacher for a month?"

he smiles. "yeah. you loved it. you always told me stories about the first graders you had."

"well... i don't want to go back to school to learn. i want to go back to school to teach."

grayson shakes his head. "i'm not one to stomp on a party hat here, but you have a job that you're good at. why waste it away now?"

i don't know how to answer the question.

maybe i'm crazy, or maybe harper is rubbing off on me a little.

i want to do more.

"maybe because i believe in myself now," i shake my head. "i didn't back then. i was scared to pursue a job that wouldn't get handed to me."

"i'm here for you, but you do know that the state requires a masters degree within the first five years of teaching, right? you're going to have to get one eventually."

"and that's fine! i'll go back to college. do some random night classes, or something. i just really want this. i want to serve a purpose in life."

"and being a teacher will do that for you?"

i nod. "yeah. it will."

grayson nods, trying to analyze the words coming from my mouth. "we have different dreams, but i'm trying my best to understand yours."

"what's the purpose of an education degree if i don't do anything with it?"

"then pursue it."

where would i even begin? there's plenty of schools in the suburbs, just right outside of chicago. but do they need teachers? i'll probably need some refreshment on some of the classes i took in college. i remember almost nothing from my early childhood development course, and i feel like that would be vital.

i graduated three years ago and worked a job that didn't include any aspects of my passion up to this point. is it still possible that i can do this?

"you're going to have to research it, ethan," grayson warns. "and tell harper."

"i'm not telling harper," i say quickly, feeling a pit of panic set it.

there's no doubt she'd be ecstatic for me.

but then i remember that i wouldn't see her nearly as much as i do now, and that makes me sad.

"you have to tell your boss you're thinking of switching jobs in the near future. it's like the laws of the workplace."

"i don't know..."

"ethan," his voice grows louder and more warning.

i groan. "fine. but i'm not telling her until i know for a fact that this is a risk i want to take. what if i quit there, and then my job options fall through?"

"she's like in love with you. she'll hand it back," he snorts.

i widen my eyes. "she's not in love with me, don't be an idiot."

grayson shrugs. "i don't know, bro. you talk about her far too much for her to be just a friend..."

"she's in a relationship. a crappy one— but a relationship nonetheless."

"you're such a little dork for your boss," he teases. "god, has she not seen it by now?"

i sigh, leaning back into the couch. "clearly not."

"but what if she has and she just doesn't feel the same way?"

i turn to him. "why are you still here?"

"good question," he asks, standing to his feet. "i have to go to the grocery store."

i hold out my hand and we do our small secret handshake that we've had since fifth grade. "i'll see you later, bro."

"bye," he says, grabbing his keys from the counter.

before i hear the door close, he says, "oh, and ethan?"

i turn my head. "yeah?"

"don't give up on your dreams. shooting stars aren't that hard to catch if you know where to look."