Reasons to Live | ✔

Chapter 29-

Chapter 29-

Sometimes, life just seemed to love to to come right up to you when you were least expecting it and smack you right in the face when you were least expecting it.

You could have everything in life and then the next morning everything you ever loved was stripped from you.

Or when you think you did well on a test but you end up getting a really low grade.

Or a mix in between.

That's my life right now.

Just breath Reina, it's not like anyone was having all eyes on them.

At least, that's what I'm trying to convince myself to believe in the first place.

But the truth was, I felt hundreds of eyes on me at that very moment as I tried not to pull my hand away from Calvin's in response to all that.

When did this become so hard?

I don't remember it being this hard when I was going out with Paul.

So why now?

Was it because it's weird that I'm dating the Calvin Young?

Was it really that shocking?

I tried to zoom out on everyone's whispers and stares as I felt Calvin give my hand a light squeeze.

Breath in.

Breath out.

Breath in.

Breath out.

It didn't make it any better that I have calculus with him, or the fact that I sat right next to him first thing in the morning. 

Why did Mr. Martin assign me to sit with him? 

As I made my way into Mr. Martin's class, I took a seat next to Calvin, as people continued to stare before whispering back to their friends. I silently begged for class to start as soon as possible. 

I pulled my hand away from his and buried my head inside my textbook as I tried to think of something else to make me feel at ease.

Cutting.

Ever since I started cutting, thinking about it or harming myself in any way calmed me. It made me focus on the physical pain rather than the mental pain.

It was working then and it was working now.

Except the tugging ache in my chest because I promised Calvin I wouldn't turn to cutting to resolve my problems now.

Old habits sure do die hard.

If it weren't for him, I would have died. 

Or be covered in more scars.

Just thinking about cutting makes me feel a lot better.

But I needed to think of something to replace the urge to cut whenever I feel sad, angry, or depressed.

Maybe I should give painting or writing a try since those are other ways to escape from the world from the time being. 

Well, that's what the internet told me to do anyways.

"You okay?" Calvin whispered snapping me back to reality.

"Just a little nervous about all the stares is all," I answered truthfully as I played with the hem of my sweater. I tried to get the textbook in front of me to swallow me whole by burying myself in it but to no avail.

Better yet, maybe the ground beneath me should just open up and swallow me whole instead so I don't need to be stared at.

"Don't be. You'll be fine," he gave me a small smile and I feel my heart skip a beat in return.