Love, Loss and Living

Understand the Weeds; Understand the Forest Chapter 21

Tina sat staring out the window of Dr. Cron's office with a box of tissue on her lap and a despondent look on her face. This had been a regular event for Tina since Bette's breakdown almost two months ago. Tina had followed Dr. Cron's recommendation and left Bette alone to sort out what had happened. This went counter to everything Tina felt. But, when she thought about it, talking to Bette was more for her sake then Bette's. Tina had profound guilt for her role in causing Bette so much emotional pain. She had been reliving that night over and over in her head trying to figure out what she could have done to prevent what had happened. In the end, with Dr. Cron's help, she came to realize that Bette had so much more than the problems of their relationship eating at her. The painting was just a catalyst for something that was on the verge of happening for a long time. Tina had been finding it harder and harder to talk in therapy. She wanted to talk, but struggled with articulating her feelings to Dr. Cron. She wasn't sure why, but she found herself averting her gaze usually looking out the window, as she was doing now.

"I have been doing a lot of thinking about what I have done to my family. At first I made a resolution to myself."

"What sort of resolution?"

"I resolved never to say or do anything which could possibly cause Bette or Angie pain again.

Dr. Cron looked at Tina inquisitively.

Noticing Dr. Cron's look, Tina explained "I had thought if I had stopped making such impulsive decisions it could mitigate some of their emotional pain."

"Can you actually control anybody's emotions?"

"Well, I guess, I never thought of it that way." Tina paused, "I changed my mind anyways about the resolution. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I was falling into the same way of thinking that got me here in the first place." Tina sat in thought as she stared out the window, "I guess I was thinking that I am taking responsibility for my actions, but in reality I am trying to take control over Bette's feelings."

"What does that me?"

"I was thinking by controlling my behavior, I would be minimize her emotional pain." Tina takes a long pause again hanging her head.

"And now," Dr. Cron asked.

"And now it feels wrong." Tina sat in thought about what Dr. Cron had said. She started sorting through her most recent discussions with Bette.  She realized that she had been avoiding discussing the situation with Kit's funeral because she felt guilty. So by avoiding it, she was trying to get control over Bette's feelings. "We have talked about how avoidance is my primary coping mechanism for stress and conflict."

"Why exactly are you avoiding?"

"That's a good question? I don't know." Tina pauses, "Maybe I am protecting myself."

"Protecting yourself from what?"

Tina took a long pause and looked out the window again.  "I guess I am protecting myself from realizing that my feelings are caused by me not Bette.  I realized that I let things happen because I loved her, which allowed for me to avoid articulating how I was feeling.  The confusion about whether I wanted her or wanted the relationship because of it being familiar, stemmed from my lack of understanding of my own feelings.  Bette has always had a presence of intense power and worn it lightly, I am not even sure if she has known it.  It has been painful to watch Bette suffer and lose this power, partly due to my actions.  It has also stirred up a great deal of anger towards myself. Bette's pain is her own, but I had a role in it because I chose to run away from the problems in our relationship."  Tina took a long pause, struggling to decide what to say next.  "Then there is Kit's funeral.  I still think it was a good decision to stay away."  Tina hesitated, "I mean, the hurt from the divorce was still raw for both of us, even if I believed the divorce was the right thing to do at the time.  I don't think we will ever agree about what I should have done, it was a no win situation."