Love After Life

Three: A Sad Soul

*Note: Expect that there are typos and wrong grammars here*

-:-

Amery's Pov:

I can still remember how I questioned myself when it comes to death. How does it feel like to be dead? How does it feel like to be a soul? Can you still feel emotions when you die? Is it scary? Is it painful to die?

I thought of a lot of questions inside my mind because to be honest I was really curious back then. Hindi ko alam kung paano, o kung bakit. Dumating na nga rin ako sa punto noon na gusto ko ring maranasan na mamatay. I was just so eager to know how it feels to die, until it happened to me.

I didn't expect this to happen with me after my death, I thought that I will be in a place where there is a paradise. I thought I will now have the chance to meet the Almighty Father, but I guess it's not that easy to have that kind of eternal life. Kasi kahit na patay na ako, ay nandito pa rin ako sa mundong ginagalawan ng tao. The only difference is that I'm just now a mere soul that no one can ever have the chance to see me.

But this set-up of mine is torturing me like hell, dahil nakikita ko ang mga taong mahahalaga sa aking buhay na umiiyak at nahihirapan. They were all depressed, their eyes were red so as their cheeks and nose, at ang sakit sakit kasi ako ang dahilan ng lahat. I thought that I would never feel anything when I died, but I guess I was wrong because the pain didn't stop, it just continued and it became worse.

At ngayon, parang alam ko na 'yung mga sagot sa mga tanong ko dati.

I wanted to hug them and say that it's alright, you don't have to cry about me. But I can't, and it's too impossible because I'm just now a soul.

"Bakit? Bakit mo kami iniwan?"

I closed my eyes roughly when I heard my best friend's loud sob. Kasi mas lalo akong nahihirapan na makita silang ganyan, I've never told them about my situation, because I don't want them to suffer too, I don't want to share my pain with them because they have dreams to chase and pursue. Magiging makasarili ako kapag kukunin ko iyon, kaya tinago ko  sakanila. But my heart is throbbing in pain seeing them suffer too. I want to apologize, to say sorry, and to hug them. I want them to feel my warm touch, but it is just a wish that will never be granted.

Lahat ng mga ka-block mates ko ay dumating sa aking lamay, lahat sila nagulat dahil sa pinagdaanan ko five months ago. Pati na rin yung mga professors ko ay pumunta at hindi rin nila inaasahan na nangyari ito sa akin. One of my professors said that 'sayang naman ang buhay ni Amery, she's a brainy lady and a woman of dreams.'

And when I heard it, I smiled bitterly, dahil tama nga siya. Sayang ang buhay ko, ang dami ko pang gustong gawin sa buhay pero wala eh, ito lang ang panahon na binigay sa akin. It's really my fate to die at a young age. Tanggap ko, matagal na.

"Our deepest condolences for the loss of your family, Ms. Privera."

Napatingin ako sa gawi nina mama, kausap nito ang isa sa mga nagtratrabaho sa kompanya. My mom just nodded at her but the pain is still visible in her eyes. Sobrang pula na ng mukha ni mama at nakikita ko na nahihirapan siyang huminga, alam kong nag-aalala si papa sakanya dahil panay ang paghaplos niya sa likod ni mama.

I glanced at my sister who is at the gate right now, malayo siya rito sa loob ng bahay. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi siya pumapasok, at hindi rin niya ako tinitignan. I know it's hard for her to gaze at me with my cold body lying on the coffin, dahil nararamdaman ko na hindi siya naniniwala na nangyayari ito sa akin. Like this is just a prank or joke. Hindi siya umiyak nang dinala ako rito, the last time I saw her crying was when I was still at the hospital. Pero nung nagsimula na ang lamay, hindi na siya umiyak. But I know that she is also suffering for what happened, mas lalo na at hindi man lang niya nilalabas yung lungkot at sakit na nararamdaman niya. I wanted to hug and comfort my sister because we're too close but that is just an idea right now.