AKA My Boyfriend

Chapter 38

I find myself at Jake's apartment, which smells like him...

"I'll send you checks..." Jake tells me, even though I'm not listening, just looking at the walls I painted myself.

They were my colours...

I drop to my knees and Jake jumps at my sudden movement. I rock back and forth and shove away the tears. I think that what I need to do is cry.

But I don't let it happen. I blink them away.

I have been through so much shit lately. My dad passed away, I got married, I got cheated on, my mom passed away, I took in all my siblings as my children, I am trying to get my drivers license, I quit my job and got a new one, my apartment is too small, and I have 2 more days to get a house or they will be taken away, I'm getting divorced, I can't sort out my relationship with Haz, I have no one to help me except Jake but I feel terrible for wanting his help.

I dig the heels of my hands into my eyes and Jake tapes my last box of stuff. "Here you go, Tom..." He says. I look up at his even skinnier face. "Have you been doing okay?" I ask.

He sighs, sitting down beside me. "Honestly? No." He says, not facing me. "Me either..." I say. Jake nods. "I'm so sorry... you didn't deserve that. I know that. I want you to know that I will always be there for you."

A knock on his apartment door makes our conversation end. He looks through the peep hole. "It's Jay." He opens it. "Shit, Jake, you look like... shit." She says. He smiles. "Yeah.. I know."

She walks past and sees me. "Tom..." She walks up close to me. "Here's my number. I know you might need it. In case you change your mind about modelling. I really enjoyed your company and I enjoyed hanging out with you." She says.

I nod and read her entire card. None of the words make since. They just blur together.

Jake helps me pack it all away to bring to my apartment.

"Thomas Stanley Holland, I love you... I can't let you slip away from me..."

He drives me to the parking lot and he twirls his ring on his finger. "I guess I'll need yours back..." My heart just keeps getting more shattered beyond repair. I take it off and set it into his palm. And I finally break down.

My sobs sound pitiful and gross and I bet Jake feels awkward. I open the door as quick as I can and throw up on the pavement. Jake sits in the car, a look of hurt etched across his face.

I grab my boxes, Will coming out to help, and I lock myself away from everyone for a quick minute. "No... Jake... I'm so sorry..." I sob into my knees while I sit on the bathroom floor. I cry and cry until I start hyperventilating just like last night.

2 more days and I can't find any home for my brothers. I open up my phone and look at houses. "Fucking nothing!" I yell, I smack myself in the face a couple times. I can't do anything right.

I put the boys down for bed, a lot of cursing and yelling on my part before I finally sit and read a bedtime story to Paddy.

"And then the frog turned into a prince! And they lived happily ever after." I say in my best fake happy voice. I go to leave before Sam asks me, "Are you gonna be okay?" I look across the room as the three lay in Harrison's bed.

"Yes. I promise I won't let you guys go to foster care." I say. Harry shakes his head. "No, we know that we will be okay, we're asking if you will..."

I sit down. "I'm just struggling... being a parent is a little bit hard. But I won't let you guys end up some place without each other or me."

"You keep bringing up us. This isn't about us, Tommy. Why can't you tell us what has you so upset?" Sam asks.

"You cry a lot..." Paddy says.

"I'm just..." I was about to play with my ring, but then I remember it's gone. "I'm getting really tired of love. All I need is for you guys to be happy. I can forget the rest." I say. I kiss Paddy on the forehead. "I love you guys." I say.

They don't say anything back. But I've learned that's how kids are.

I sit down on the couch and Haz gives me the Ben and Jerry's ice cream, knowing that I need it. "Harrison... what are we?" I ask. He smiles and wraps an arm around me. "We're friends. We always will. Even if we do naughty stuff sometimes." He laughs.

I laugh and snuggle against him. "You won't leave me...?"

"Of course not. Only if you wanted me to, and maybe not even then." He says. I sigh and shovel bites of ice cream in my mouth. "I'm so stressed..." I say around my bite.

Harrison rubs my back. "You wanna put something on TV?" He asks. I nod slowly as I lay on my stomach on the couch, my eyes getting droopy. I almost drop my ice cream, so Haz takes it and sets it down on the coffee table.

His hands run down my back, massaging away all the pain of the past 3 months. "Just relax."

I can't imagine Harrison behind me though, I see Jake.

"Okay... Jake..."

And I drift to sleep...