Kissing the actress (womanxwoman)

Chapter 19, Hello...

I couldn't sleep all night, torn between the memories of that wonderful evening, and the knowledge that I had screwed up. I was enormously scared that I had made a fatal mistake and I had lost her forever. How could I be so foolish? I cried bitterly. She had been all mine, but I had left her. If I had stayed the night while she was not ready, the situation could not have gotten any worse than it now was! But how was I supposed to think clearly in that intense moment? I had only been able to remember what I had concluded shortly before. And that was, no, she's not ready.

Sunday, I spent trying to think what I would say to her the next day. Or would I call her immediately? No, I'd better to talk face to face. And with a clear head; after that sleepless night, I wasn't able to talk. Like Thelma had suggested, I tried to write down a monologue, just as I would do for television, only now, for myself. But my head seemed filled with cotton wool. In the afternoon, I slept for an hour. After that, my head was a little clearer. I went to bed at 7 that evening, and slept until my alarm went off.

I went to work nervously that Monday. The script reading meeting took away my last hope. Sandra managed not to look at me once, even though she was sitting across from me. She was quiet and distracted, the whole meeting. And so was I, remembering her proud smiles at me during previous meetings, and also remembering that first meeting, when she also had been in this mood, and cried in my arms afterwards. I felt so bad, that I needed to leave in the middle of the meeting in a hurry to throw up. Luckily, I reached the toilet in time.

After the meeting, I went outside for a stroll to the park. I sat down under the same tree where we had picnicked that wonderful day, and I cried again. Well before lunch time, I was back in my office, sitting on the couch and remembering Sandra sleeping there, and me caressing her legs. It felt like suddenly the sun had disappeared. How happy I had been since I'd begun working here! Okay, besides some very sad moments. But in all cases, it turned out I had seen things wrong. Now, there was no doubt.

Of course, Sandra wouldn't come to pick me up. I checked the dining room three times; they hadn't begun shooting yet, so there wouldn't be noise in the corridor to let me know it was lunch time. The third time, I saw Sandra and Thelma sitting at their table. I didn't bother to buy lunch, but walked straight to their table and went to stand next to Sandra.

"Sandra, can I talk to you, please?"

Sandra ignored me. She said to Thelma, "They don't have chicken sandwiches today, but who needs them; there's a chicken standing next to me."

Ouch. That hurt.

"Please, Sandra, I need to talk to you in private."

She didn't look at me. "I have nothing to say to you."

But almost immediately, that turned out to be a lie. Still refusing to look at me, Sandra said coldly and contemptuously, "And I kept wondering why you hadn't had sex for 10 years. Silly me. You just run away when someone comes too close."

She hurt me so much, I began to cry, in the middle of all those people.

Sandra's tone remained icy and disdainfully. "I admired you. How foolish I was. You're a coward."

"Please Sandra, say what you want, but do it in my office. And listen to me too", I said through my tears.

"I think you should do that", Thelma said to Sandra.

"So, you choose her side?" Sandra asked her.

"There are no sides!" I was desperate.

"Talk things out, Sandra. She's your friend", Thelma said.