No Escape

Still Sinking

"What's up?"

Alison looked up at Spencer, and Alison knew her friend had figured out something was wrong. Ali was resting her forehead on her hand trying to hold it up. The only reason she wasn't rubbing over her tired eyes was because of her makeup. it had been a few days since Emily's operation and Alison was now at Spencer's because Emily was set to spend her day with her parents. She hadn't been able to ever since they got back and despite Emily's reassurances that it was ok for Alison to be there, Alison knew it would be better to give her time alone with the two people she hadn't seen in months.

She sighed because this was the first time she could put her guard down because Emily wasn't around to worry about her and Spencer already saw give way to the tiredness of the past week. "I'm just tired."

"Not just about Emily, though."

Alison's eyes snapped towards Spencer's, narrowing in challenge. But it was a testament to how tired she was when she broke eye contact first and instead slumped forward to her folded arms, hiding her face away. She felt a hand on her back and when she looked up she saw a mug in front of her, and realized Spencer had been preparing tea for her. She murmured a thanks, wrapping her hands around the mug.

They were quiet for a few moments, Alison trying to feel for how much she wanted to tell Spencer. Until now, she still felt like the girls were more Emily's friends than hers and she knew she was partly to blame for that. No, that wasn't it. She was entirely to blame for it. She had just settled on feeling at least neutral of how guarded they were when it came to Emily. She still caught the looks they would share whenever Emily and she would part from a kiss, especially Spencer and Hanna. On bad days she would need Emily to give her hand a squeeze, because her girlfriend wasn't blind to the looks either. But they made do. At least the attempt to split them up weren't blatant anymore. It was easier to handle now.

She had been too deep into her thoughts that when she felt Spencer's hand on her arms, she was startled, head jerking up. "What?"

Spencer's eyebrows were furrowed as she looked at Alison and it made Alison retract from the brunette's touch. Alison did everything she could not to press all her problems down deep until she could release them again, but she told herself not to do so in front of Spencer. Not when Spencer looked at her with cold eyes, as if she was still trying to figure Alison out. Although Alison couldn't blame her, and Alison simply thought that at least for Emily's sake, Spencer was kind to her when Emily was around.

"I'm guessing our truce only applies when Emily is present," Alison voiced out her thoughts.

"I still don't trust you."

"Then why invite me here? Just so you could accuse me of something you might have found out?" Alison pretended to look around as if searching for something, waiting for whatever Spencer could have unearthed about her. Then she looked back at Spencer pointedly, before her eyes turned sharp, ruthless. "Whatever I wish for you to know, you'll know. And whatever I wish for you not to know," Alison stood, and directed a steely glare at Spencer. "Will stay hidden." She turned on her heels.

"You want me to trust you, but you say cryptic things like that." Spencer crossed her arms, but she appeared to look slightly guilty.

"See, that's the thing, Spencer." Alison turned back around, outwardly looking annoyed, inwardly feeling tired of the conversation she'd been repeatedly having in the last few months. "I don't think I care anymore whether you trust me or not. I love Emily." She paused between the last two words to emphasize herself. "I'm not going to let you or anyone else get between the two of us."

"She's not safe with you." Spencer knew she'd struck a cord when Alison couldn't hide the flinch, and she saw Alison's jaw clench before the blonde approached her again, hands balled into fists now.

"I saved her life, all your lives, for the few years I haven't been here. Don't you dare accuse me of endangering Emily's."

Without another word she spun and left Spencer's house, going back to Emily's house while the Fields were out. She tried to hold down the panic, and the guilt that Spencer's words had incited. She was no doubt guilty of everything Spencer said. She was more aware than Spencer thought she was. In fact, she revisited that scene in her nightmares all the time. She had learned to hate herself more each night she saw the image of Emily's shocked expression as the bullet tore through her body. She was more convinced Emily would be safer away from her every time she would feel the hot, wet blood that would ooze from Emily's body to hers before she would snap awake. She'd been sleeping less and less.

But could anyone really blame her when she woke up and just looking at Emily's face calmed her heart, her whole being? She would scoot just a little closer, pressing her body against Emily's, she would hear Emily hum in her sleep, and she would almost hear Emily smile as she felt Emily's warmth against her. Emily would feel her warmth, too. Was it wrong that she still clung because she knew, she just knew, she would be utterly more lost, more guilty without Emily?

Alison felt the familiar feeling of something squeezing her chest, and her breaths started to puff out of her. She was told this would happen, that after everything that had happened to her, it was bound to take its toll on her psyche. She stopped walking, clenching her hand over her chest, and blindly sifted through her bag for the bottle of pills she now carried with her. She popped one into her mouth, and collapsed where she was, waiting for it to take effect. When it did, she would walk away from that spot as if nothing happened. She couldn't tell anyone, especially not Emily. She had enough on her plate. Emily needed to focus on herself, and Alison needed to focus on Emily. She could worry about herself another time.

A/N: Thank you to bree_murph and jamesabias3 for the wonderful comments!! Apologies to everyone because this is shorter than usual, but classes have started back again for me and I also have training in the evenings so I'm finding it hard to find the time to write. But rest assured, I have the plot clear in my head and it's all waiting to be written now. :) Thank you to everyone who voted!!