Edward Cullen: Purse Snatcher

She Does What Now?

Edward

Bella sighed deeply and looked at everyone. I was damn sure she was coming up with a plan because I could literally see the cogs working.

Emmett had a look of amusement on his face, the one that told a person he had some good shit coming. He grinned brightly and turned his gaze to Bella, all while Rosalie wailed in pain. Idiot.

"Wasn't Calgon one of the sponsors for that show Little Miss Dish?" Emmett asked with the look of complete ignorance and innocence on his face.

"I remember that sitcom," Jasper said unaware of Emmett's wicked glee. "Did you say Edward used to run home from school to watch it?"

I groaned and Bella giggled. "Oh really," she said.

"Okay, people!" Rosalie screamed. "Emmett just found out that Bella is a former child-fucking-star. Can we get on with having this baby?"

"Sorry," everyone said in unison.

"I'm pretty sure Edward got his first hard-on from watching Bella on that show," Emmett decided to add.

I groaned again, and I think Charlie fucking growled at me. Angel was a picture of innocence with wide green eyes on my shoulder. Dev on the other hand had a backward facing black cap and was provoking Charlie.

Laughter filled the room for a moment before Emmett screamed like a fucking banshee. "Rosalie!" Somehow, during this exchange, Rosalie managed to kick him in the balls.

Fuck yes. More payback. My boys still hurt from when Bella kicked me. Emmett's eyes rolled and he hissed, holding onto his crotch for dear life. He dropped to his knees in obvious pain. "Do you think we can get back to me, please?" Rosalie cried out.

"Fuck, Rose," Emmett hissed in a falsetto that would make Mariah Carey cry. "How are we supposed to have more babies if you hurt the juice?"

She grabbed him by the ear, bringing him to his feet. "Do you really think I want to have another when I'm in pain right now?" He shook his head stupidly. "Step aside and let Miss Dish deliver our baby!"

"O – okay," he murmured.

Bella started to give out further instructions to Heidi and Alice while Emmett suffered in silence. As for me, I was slowly backing out the room again, like the pussy I was, when the doorbell rang.

Bella's flushed face turned and she gave me a small smile. "Can you get that please?"

I nodded and made my way to the door. The bell rang again impatiently. I opened it swiftly just as Rosalie screamed bloody murder – Emmett's murder. My head snapped toward the dining room, hoping that everything was all right.

"Is Marie Crane here?" a male voice said. I returned my attention to the new arrival and gaped. The man that asked for Bella by her stage name was a few inches shorter than I was, with a blonde crew cut and familiar looking blue eyes. He looked like Steve Urkel's motherfucking twin, with rainbow suspenders, thick glasses and pants that were three inches to short.

Who the fuck was this guy?

"Yes, she is," I said warily. "May I ask who you are?"

He grinned and stuck out his hand, shaking mine eagerly. "I'm James T. Morrison, Bella's boyfriend."

He said what now?

Dev

"Let me go, Angel!" I growled as my twin pinned my arms behind me. "She's mine. Mine, mine mine!"

"Clearly," he said firmly. "This boy is mistaken, but we can handle this like gentlemen."

"What I want to do to him is anything but gentle! I want to knock those perfect teeth right out of his mouth. Pow!"