- Vampires getting super invested in nutrition so they know how to take take care of their humans, and then being horrified at what humans will actually consume; 3 day old coffee, twenty piece chicken nuggets, 1 granola bar as a meal, their own fingernails etc.
- Humans lying about what they eat:
"How do pop rocks even work?"
"They're made of tiny larvae that explode when they come int contact with human saliva."
"...That can't be real."
- The constant exasperated repetitions of 'human stuff' or 'vampire stuff' whenever they don't understand each other.
- Humans dabbing garlic on their pulse points when they're pissed.
"C'mon, I'm starving, why are you like this?"
"Are you sorry?"
"Yes."
"What's the magic word, Clarence."
"Please?"
- Vampires that forget humans are delicate and accidentally hurt them.
- Humans that act like wounded dogs over minor injuries just to watch vampires fall over themselves apologizing.
- Vampires exaggerating time for comedic effect:
"I haven't heard this song in forty years."
"This came out in 2004."
"It's been forty years. I have aged."
"You literally have not."
- "When was the last time you did any laundry?"
"1965."
"Fuck you."
- Telling vampires to "go back to your coffin" when they're grumpy.
- Humans constantly asking "how did they do this in your day?" about every single daily task.
- Vampires who hold tools and appliances from the time period they most enjoyed.
- Young vampires flipping off the sun and screaming at it about evolution. Old vampires who put their collars up and frown behind their sunglasses.
- Erroneous threats based on abilities no vampire actually has.
"I'm gonna show up to your wedding as a swarm of bats and shit on the cake."
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