Roots Before Branches

Chapter 19: The Truth

"So?" Finn asked sitting on the edge of the bed and I lay on the bed.

"You don't have to stay like that, ya know right?" I said and he chuckled and lay next to me and we both keep staring at the ceiling. "Let me think, for the very beginning, right?"

"Yep." He said and I sighed.

"Okay, it all began before I leave Lima." I said and he looks at me shocked.

"What?! We were together back than." He said sounding upset but also shocked.

"Until we weren't anymore. And when we broke everything started to fuck up." I said.

"Why?" He asked softly.

"When we broke, that literally was the worst experience that I ever been trough. And you should memorize that, because when I finish telling you everything, say that was the worst thing that ever happened to me, definitely means something." I said.

"I'm so sorry." He said sounding hurt.

"It's not your fault tho." I said.

"But you just said-" He said and I cut him off.

"You did what you had to do back in time. What you thought it was for the best. And it was, back at time. You made my dream come true, Finn. And I'll always be grateful for you. Everything that ever happened is my fault, I called up the choices." I said. "Anyway, back to the story. A day after you break up, I was already feeling horrible, it was the day I should get the plane to Los Angeles. And I had this HUGE fight with my parenting, we yelled horrible thing to each other, they didn't wanted me to go, they didn't supported. If I well remember my mom said I would be the kind of girl that makes one successful song and then no one hears about anymore. And I left and promised myself that no matter what, I would show mom that she was wrong. I never spoke to any of them after that. Not evem this month." I said staring at the ceiling again and I feel Finn's fingers rubbing the top of my hand softly making me relax a lot.

"That's awful, Rach." He said sadly.

"I know, but it's just the beginning." I said. "So, I got in Los Angeles and things started to work out. Rosa, my manager, is an angel down on Earth and I would never had made it without her. A month later the first single of the album was already ready and we released. And it I did it. It was a huge success and my next mission was to make a successful album to my prove to my mother she was wrong. Before releasing the single, I still kept contact with a few people, it wasn't much tho. After, I stopped. I didn't had any time, when anyone said something like home for holidays I was always busy. After a while everyone stopped trying. I didn't wanted to talk to anyone, I just wanted to make someone proud. But then I realized that no one would be proud, cause I didn't had anyone. The first two years were amazing, the years of my life. It was my dream, my name was everywhere, my face was in every magazine, my songs didn't stopped playing on the radio. Then I got a boyfriend and everything wrnt down hills really fast until now days. His name is Brody Weston, he's an actor, he cheated on me multiple times and I knew it. But I didn't wanted to break up with him, not only because of the media, because he was scaring as fuck. He used to yell at me and call me horrible names, at some point, I started to believe in him. I started to believe that I was useless, that I didn't deserve the success I got and it was all because of him, that I was an idiot, that if I ended things with him no one would love me. With him I started to have panick attacks and that was when everything got worst. One day I wasn't handling that anymore and I told Rosa, my manager and I didn't know what to do. I was so scared, I don't know what Rosa ever said to Brody, but he never came back. And I'm thankful for her. I really am."

"How long you two stayed together?" Finn asked squeezing my hand lightly and interlaced our fingers together.

"Two fucking years." I said and a tear rolled down my cheek. 

"I'm so sorry you had to go trough that alone." Finn said genuinely sad holding my hand tight like he didn't wanted to let go anymore.

"I told ya it was a long story, but there's more." I said. "Well while I was with Brody, I started having panick attacks and that really sucks. So I started doing therapy and it's helpful, really is. And after we broke I felt even more alone and I've been keeping the feeling for me. I kept going on and ignoring. But everyday I felt even more alone. Now skipping a few years, let's travel to a month ago or so." I said nervously.

"A month ago? That was a few before you come to Lima!" He said and I nodded.

"Yep, you're ready to hear?" I asked with my eyes filling up with tears.

"I think so." He said and I think a deep breathe.

"Remember when I said that I came to Lima to reconnect with my roots?" I asked.

"I do." He said.

"My therapist said I had to comeback and do that because I totally lost myself. I swear, I was THAT bad, I didn't recognized myself anymore. I made up a mask and to everyone I was fine and happy but I wasn't. I just put the best smile I could get in my lips and no one ever find out. One day I couldn't stop crying, I don't remember the reason tho. But I couldn't stop crying and my head was hurting so much, so much. And it hit me. I couldn't handle anymore, I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't keep living my life wishing all my days were the last one, I had to make it happen. I went to my kitchen and grabbed the first bottle of medicines that I saw and took a bunch of them and them I fainted. Every single day the house is empty and I'm alone, but that very one day, Maria the maid, came to clean the house and found me on the floor passed out. I didn't wanted anyone to find me, I wanted to stay there forever. But I was found and taken to the Hospital. I was miserable, feeling awful. I still am, honestly. And when I came to Lima and everyone hated me, except for Kurt, it didn't helped. One day, I had this dream and it sucked! It was you and me, like we had never broken up, we were married and had three kids and we had a full life but suddenly, when we went sleep you said a lot of bad stuff to me, like that Kurt was hanging out with me for pity, that everyone hated me, that I was selfish and an awful human being and pretty much everyone hated me. You sounded a lot like Brody saying all of that. And I woke up that night crying so much and desperate. So I get the hell out of the house, I was still in my pajamas, crying and crying. I didn't even thought about where I was going, I just went. When I realized I was on the bridge, on the edge. The idea of jumping popped into my mind so many times and I wanted to. So I sit on the edge and called my therapist and she kind of calmed me down, it was the middle of the night. I had a notebook in hands and a pen so to calm me down, I wrote a song. I only sang that once at my porch and only one person heard it, Mrs.Gilbert, my neighbor. She is awesome, Mrs.Gilbert, not the song, I'm not sure if is a good song." I said and look to Finn and he is shocked, I can see a tear rolling down his cheek. "That's it." I said and tears rolled down my cheek, I never told all at once to someone before.

"Oh Rach..." He said and turn around and pull me into his embrace and I break down when I feel his sent and I missed his embrace. "I'm so sorry that all of that happened to you." He said and I take my face off his chest and he wiped my tears. We're hugging laying on the bed together in a silence, it's comfortable.