Roots Before Branches

Chapter 7: Thinking

I woke up and like every other day I went take a shower and get dressed. I went downstairs and take my antidepressants and had breakfast. I make myself some coffee and went to the swing on my porch. Every morning.

Streets have now more going on, weekend is over so people are going to work. Students are in their vacation so they don't have school.

"Good morning, sweetie." The same lady from yesterday said and I smiles to her.

"Good morning." I said with a smile.

"What's your name?" She asked.

"Rachel Berry." I said smiling. "Yours?"

"Olivia Gilbert." The lady said smiling.

"Nice to meet you Mrs.Gilbert." I said.

"Nice to meet you too, Rachel." She said with a smile and continued to jog.

She makes my day a little better just saying good morning to me. And she has no idea about this. Words are powerful, someimes they can't hurt so much but sometimes they're so good. Sometimes all we need are the right words from the right person.

I look to the very blue sky with any clouds, beautiful summer day. I wish I could do something fun for today. But I'm alone.

It's not like I'm not used to it.

Then I remembered the fact that Finn and Quinn are engaged. I guess he never loved me. But I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I don't see him or her in 8 years.

I just wish I could go back in time and I would change so many things. I would make it work all my relationships. I haven't thought about Finn in the past weeks because I've been busy thinking about how screwed up I actually am.

But I thought a lot about him during the past years. Even when I was with someoene else. I used to compare what I felt for them with what I felt for Finn and truth is that with Finn was more intense. At least for me. I loved him the most, he was my first love. And I honestly thought he would be my last, but seems I'm wrong, like always, I'm always wrong.

It's not like I'm not happy for him, I want him to be happy. But Quinn Fabray? That's just stupidity. But who am I to the judge? The person that chose fortune and fame instead of happiness. I can't judge anyones decisions.

Maybe she changed, the last I saw her she was in High School, eight years ago. If I changed this much I believe she could've changed. Yeah, I wanna think this way. Is easier to think like that. If I lost my shot with him, I just want him to be with someone who makes him happy. I don't know I still love him or if I'm jusy jealousy of Quinn. But I know for fact that I still feel something for him.

I'm hella bored right now.

I went back inside and lay on the couch staring at the ceiling. What if I had died? Would've Finn miss me? Of course not, that would be indifferent in his life. Would Kurt miss me? Would my parents miss me? Would Mr.Schue miss me? Would anyone miss me?

I don't think so.

Why would they miss me if I basically shut them off my life? If I made it clear that I didn't needed them, but I actually do. I do need them.

I don't think I'll accept Mr.Schue invites for the Glee reunion they're having, it would be just awkward. I hate the feeling of being unwanted somewhere, even though I feel like that all the fucking time. I know that I'm never unwanted somewhere, but I always feel like an outcast.

I'm just weird. But who isn't, hun?

I really want to see everyone again, to hug them all and ask how's their lives. I can't believe I missed so much, I can't believe I missed Brittany and Santana's wedding. Mr.Schuester and Mrs. Pillsbury's wedding and of course Tina and Mike's wedding.

How's everyone has a someone, I mean, everyone beside me? Everyone found their people, their peace, their own version of happiness. That's the price of fame and fortune, you have to let go a lot of stuff.

I just regret so much about all my decisions.

I wonder how would've been if I had stayed. Would've Finn and I got back on tracks and be married or about to marry now? Maybe we could have a child. I wonder how amazing that must be for Quinn, she knows that she'll start her life with the best man alive. She is a lucky.

I think I'm destined to be single forever.

And that sucks!