One Shots ~ Newtmas

Spiral

"Thoughts swirled and swirled, never taking a standstill, my mind was a whirlwind of failure, regret and torture. Personally, I knew every word they spoke to me was true, nothing could ever hold back my lost mind, it was too far gone.

Nothing clicked in my head, nothing. Dumb. It was an insult I'd been on the receiving end of a lot, but it doesn't affect me, not in the way everyone hopes anyway. My mind is too polluted to think or even regard what anyone else is saying. Almost as if I'm fighting a constant battle, but somehow every second I'm losing over and over again.

School abandoned me, I still go, but they don't bother to educate me, I already know I won't graduate, I don't even do the tests, even if I stayed up studying, even if I actually tried to make a change to the way I was treated, nothing could be done. They know I'm terrible, they know I can't do a test because it brings the schools results down.

Maybe I could drop out, maybe, but it's unfortunately illegal to not have an education if you are under the age of eighteen, I would've left if I ever had the chance though. Not one soul would be able to stop me. I mean I'm no help, nothing could possibly make me stay and actually learn, except one guy. His name is Tommy, he'll forever be in my heart, till the day I die.

One problem, he's as straight as the underground tunnel where the laws of physics are rewritten, whereas I'm as straight as a roundabout. Honestly, it sucks, but I've learned to push through it, I can't give them another reason to beat me down from the inside out.

Smiling has always been difficult, I haven't smiled for seven years now, not properly anyway, not to my parents or sister or to anyone I know. Of course I have no friends; I don't really know what laughter feels like. Sometimes I wish I would be normal, I wish I could feel those emotions I've kept firmly locked for such a long time, but if I open myself up now, will I regret it and...would I ever recover if anything bad happened or if something went...well...wrong.

Forgiveness is not a word I am familiar with, as I've never had to say sorry to anyone for years and if anyone felt sorry for me then they were stupid. I can't forgive people; I can't forgive myself, for anything I've done, ever. If I was gone, maybe people would realise how much it hurts to go through what I've gone through, listen to the pain I've had to endure, they wouldn't experience it, no, they'd just notice how much I was truly suffering. Possibly, they'd do something, but most likely they'll stand and watch, shocks of horror plastered to their face, impossible to peel away until wrinkled and old.

Not one person should feel as much pain as I do, not even me, but here we are. I beat myself up, I get beaten up, all physically and emotionally, I don't care for myself because why should I when no one else does."

These where my thoughts, thoughts I'd rather forget, but I had a saviour. A knight in shining armour, if you will. Everything I dreamed and more, originally it started with me being hurt and heartbroken, but as my best friend he saved me and talked to me and never made it awkward.

"Straight. Straight. Straight. Too bad I wasn't, too bad I fell for the one who'd never actually be attracted to me, like ever."

In other, better, words, sometimes a friendship can save you just as much as a relationship. But just know a relationship is built off friendship. Friendship is your link, never let it die, never let it fade, do not cut it, love and cherish it until the day you feel it necessary to cut it. Otherwise you'll feel more hurt doing it too soon, but never wait till too late, that's what led to my downhill tumble into a tornado of mental pain and physical harm.

Don't spiral, try and take control of whatever little sanity you have. It helps. Hold onto someone's hand, no matter who it is, let your feelings out, always, always tell someone because that's better than keeping it in.

Don't let the painful or bad feelings become ingrown, let them be seen so they can be helped and treated to ease your suffering.

"My knight saved me, through friendship."

But anyhow, look at us now, married. Because we did love each other after all, very much in fact.

Love wins, over almost anything, pursue it, but bear in mind the cost, don't lose yourself to someone if they clearly don't want you.

I know I should've told myself that with other people, because being Tommy's Newtie is the best thing, but it should've happened sooner, especially with my mental state.

A/N: Almost 950 reads!? Thank you ever so much, also lately I've been noticing how little I've been using Thomas' and Newt's actual names, which is a bit weird, but I will use them more often in the future.

Oh and the stuff like <they> it's meant to mean the words in like italics but like I can't seem to do that on my phone sooooo yeahhhh. EDIT: basically I have a laptop now so I fixed all that.

By the way, I literally searched up the straightest thing in the world for this so yeah, it's an underground tunnel where electrons move at nearly the speed of light, like my gosh, that's some hardcore science right there. I'm not even going to pretend I understand it or even know what I'm going on about like geeeeez.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed.