Particles Of Youth

nine

   My  very early encounter with death was when my pet dog Perry died , I was six , I didn't cry much , just sat there on my backyard the grass was wet a patch in the greenery of grass has been missing from where I buried him , I still thought back then that somehow Perry isn't there , he's somewhere far digging those wholes he loves to dig while my dad whined about having to fix that , guess my young self and I aren't that different even though time had played his very challenging effect , growing up sure do sucks when you have no idea of who you are , so you turn up maybe too smart for your own good , you figure out society's big play , how there is loops of thoughts , and sheep in human forms , you also figure out that smoking is bad for yourself but you still do it anyways , touching death seems like an exciting experience and when you don't feel like your doing anything anymore , you try harder , you dig ,crawl , and think , you think and think and think about why are things like they are , why are you  trapped in your own body while simultaneously being trapped in society so you break , bits by bits you break like cracking eggs your mind will fall one piece after the other , you can't control that either huh? , you see that's what I call , a blissful yet unfair existence .

  "Hey man I'm sorry for your loss " said Ian through the phone I didn't wanna hang up but I didn't have anything to say , my voice is somewhere between my mind and soul , there was a clearing of through " I looked for you during the week , asked Julia ,my sister, heck I even went to your uncle , that man is really hard to get a grasp off , anyways he told me your mom died ....I'm sorry " he said , I kept quiet just hummed to tell him I'm still listening , we stayed quiet for a minute than I heard some rustling from the other side than a cello sound it stopped for a second " Aris  , I learned to play the cello recently , this is for you " he said , I closed my eyes for the whole time he played and it was the saddest sound I ever heard , too sad it speaks to me "its okey to cry " it said and that's when I let go of my emotions, I shouted and cried and dug at my chest , a beast is in me a beast is in me , that's what my tears expressed , and Ian heard it all and kept playing , at some point I fell asleep , I bet he did too , when I woke up the duration of the call marked 7 hours , I closed my eyes ' thank you'  I whispered for the friend that just saved me from myself and at that moment , over all the grief the hurt and the exceedingly heavy spirit I packed my clothes after the end of the funeral , my dad went to the pub , left me a message on top of a letter saying that it was the last wishes of mom I sighted , I packed that in my suit case and left a message for my old man on the fridge "I love you dad , take care" , and with that I headed to the air port a bit tattered a bit exhausted a bit I don't know why I'm going back there , but again , Tokyo is my new safety zoon in a way , getting on planes wasn't anything new but I needed to distract myself , my thoughts are deadlier than they used to be , my hand shake occasionally , my steps flatter when I remember the funeral , its driving me crazy to the point where I want to pick off each hair strand from my hair , so instead I fucose on my surrounding , I focus on people , laughing people , people in the middle of an important phone call , blushing people , people listening to music , these are normal things and in a way it makes me relax ,even though their faces are blending in my head their actions are as clear as the day and I needed some clarity , my career , and studies are the last thing on my mind , I recalled the piano I left behind in my mom's old music room , I didn't dare to touch it , I didn't even dare to breath or move when I saw it , I thought I'm gonna die than Ian called me , he saved me and he doesn't even know it , my brake downs where more severe since I got the news of my mom's sudden death , I thought of all the scenarios of how my mom could die when I was on the plane to new York , but that bright women didn't deserve to die by a heart attack alone in the house , me and dad both blame ourselves for that , so he retired , and I ... I still don't know what to do , I'm lonely and a bit uncertain so I'll go to the place where I know I'll be provided with good company , I'll go back to Julia and my only friend Ian.

   Many thoughts occurred to me when I waited for my flight , I thought of the rotation of earth , of how many people were born into this harsh reality , yet being born is a miracle in it self so I'm planning to live longer , see other things and experience more , although I'm in a very dark hole I still can see what's there is up and that's a sweet breeze with an open blue sky .

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Author's note

" appreciate who you are , and let others help when in need , and most importantly respect your existence even though it seems meaningless at times it still is a miracle "

                                        For gypsy girl.