Particles Of Youth

four

       I passed so many lonely nights in my life and I never stopped to wonder , maybe I shouldn't push everyone away , maybe I should try to make a room for some light to get in , maybe that light is in the form of an orange headed strange girl  , today is the first time I needed to smoke after a month of not smoking , I envy the sky , I also envy the stars, I envy the whole damn universe for having the ability to move on , but than again what do I know .. What do I know?

           A person is supposed to cry , scream , maybe mix sadness with anger and blame others when someone they love die, because after all it'll be too hard to blame our selves , and in a way deep down I knew , I just knew that I can't cry , not on her funeral , not on her memory , there is nothing sad about her , she was a bright bulb of light, like the feeling you get after eating cold peaches in a mid summer  afternoon , she was just like that ,a smile in the air , and she filled my lungs , so I didn't cry that day , I refused to shout or blame the doctors and every other adult at that time  , or to be sad , I refused to move ,or to do anything but simply exist , I existed when they put her down in the dirt , I existed when the ground welcomed her body with open arms for an eternal hug  , I simply existed that's all I was able to do back than , but today , today in this ungodly hour at night I wanted to do more , I think I need to do more for her ,so without hesitation I grabbed my coat and took my keys and headed out , Tokyo is beautiful at night , and at that night like every other night I passed a very familiar face , only this time he chased after me when I was a mess, I ran and ran and ran to the shop I knew he was following me just like every other night , "I know you're there you don't need to hide " I said stopping in the middle of the road next to the shop , " who said I'm hiding " he answered he had a really rough voice like he's been smoking for a while , too long of a while "what do you want " I said restlessly wanting to play the piano , " listen kid , you have some talent , your playing is good I could get you to compete , you could even get to international level " he said , " I don't compete " I said ,  I turned around looking at him , he was an old man in his 60's if I guessed right , he had one of those faces that you can't forget , I don't know why , but I don't mind him much " come let's take a seat I'll buy you some coffee " he said heading to a selling machine on the road I sat down I felt exhausted like I don't know what I'm doing , why I'm doing this , but I can't breath in my apartment and I don't want to wake Julia up by the piano sound , so here I am at the middle of the night talking to an old geezer , " give me a cigarette " I said to him when he sat down next to me with a cup of coffee , he handed me one with no further questions and we sat there for a moment too long before he spoke again "you know kid,  I had a chance once in my youth , to strive to my prime and be the best version of a piano player I can ever be " he said I didn't want to interrupt so I listened " there are times in our lives where we don't understand anything , when we don't know what the heck we're doing and that's called growing up " he exhaled , I took a drag of my cigarette than nodded at him to continue " don't be like me , don't end up trying to gather particles of your youth " he said ,he seemed tired even more tired than myself and that alone made me think I have a long way to go , I smiled really truly smiled , I bet she would've done the same , she smiled through her pain too , and that alone made me do the same , it made me feel closer to her "Aria" I breathed her name to the clouds with buffed smoke and a feeling of regret , I prayed that moment I prayed for her , I prayed that she knows that I'll fight , I won't give up , I'll fight , that's what she would've wanted me to do " here's my business card contact me when you're ready " he said I didn't look at him , I couldn't look at him right there , because I am certain that if I did I would've told him everything and I'm not ready to tell someone about her , I don't even know if I ever will , I sight and nod before he could go I said " next time don't just follow me around , come to the shop when you want to talk , or just hear the piano " , he smiled and tipped his hat to the side , when he left I realized two things , one that I'm loosing my mind , and two I'm going to  compete.

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Author's note

"Because after all the hurt ,sadness and guilt , we end up doing the impossible and sometimes the impossible means the best thing we could ever do"

                To my beautiful camomile.