Jocelyn's River

Jocelyn's River: Chapter 14

It was the marijuana that helped calm me. The soldiers smoke it to make the anxiety and heaviness from the war sink under. The drug only slowed down the time whereas I wanted it to speed up. We did this to say 'Forget the war'! Some of us chose heroin, but I stopped altogether. I had watched men from my squad get brutally killed and I've also had to witness and go along with burning Vietnamese villages because of distrust. This along with everything else like my mother's illness stressed me out. Nightmares plagued my sleep and I would wake up in a cold sweat.

Marijuana worked for a short time, but I remembered the faces of the dead and I was bound to soon be forever haunted by my mother's. I knew it would not be a devastatingly tragic haunting. It was going to be devastating and beautifully unforgettable and it would drive me to do whatever it was I could do to be a good man and live better. This I was certain because it was what she wanted. I would do whatever she wanted of me.

The day I came home, I was dedicated and did everything she needed. I even slept on a cot in her bedroom that night because I didn't want to leave her. My ma was very accepting of her fate and I admired this. Her strength was encouraging. As I watched her grow weaker and weaker, my strength was beginning to slip away. She noticed this and encouraged me more. We prayed a lot in the apartment, sometimes together and sometimes separately. I'd heard her praying in her bedroom at random times during the day. When I could get away for a while, I did the same.

After I came home from taking Jocelyn to her cousin's house, Ma saw straight through me. She knew something had happened. I told her how I went to the river to reminisce on my life and my undying love for Jocelyn and ironically she was there. Ma's face lit up with joy. She wanted me to bring Jocelyn over to see her after our little "catch up". I planned to take Jocelyn fishing at the river which was something I used to do with Uncle Brian prior to becoming a stubborn member of a street gang and trying to branch away from my family.

I dressed excitedly on Tuesday in distressed blue jeans and a red, black, and white plaid sleeveless shirt. I tucked my pants inside my rubber, black fishing boots. It was always hot in the summer in Alabama; it never failed, so I dressed in cool clothes. Aunt Debbie agreed to come to the apartment to look after Ma while I was gone and she drove Uncle Brian's truck so I could take it. The fishing supplies were at my aunt and uncles house and I went by to retrieve them. I also took some sandwiches, water, and a pair of my old fishing boots and overalls for Jocelyn.

My heart raced faster than a jackrabbit when I pulled up at her cousin's one story brick house. The house had a screen porch. A 1969 brown Dodge charger was parked in the driveway. When I knocked on the door, I heard a woman fussing furiously inside the house.

"Ray! You better wash those dishes! I get tired of comin' home from work to this mess! All you do is sit on your butt all day."

I knocked again.

"Who is this knockin' on the damn door?"

The door opened. The woman had a stern look on her face. She wore a red scarf on her head and a happy toddler boy was on her hip. I recognized her and remembered saving her and her boyfriend from a violent and racial situation at the river after I'd rescued Jocelyn from drowning. Jocelyn told me her name years ago, but I could not bring it to mind.

She studied me carefully because of my skin color. I began to see a glint of lust in her eyes as they roamed over my body.

"Can I help you?" she asked

"I'm here to pick up Jocelyn."

Her eyebrows rose. "River!" she said. "He-e-e-y! Come in and have a seat."