A Mother's Bond

13

Sarayah July 5, 2016
I watched with mixed emotions as Jay left my room. I didn't know how to handle what he'd just told me. It would have been so much easier to blame everything on Beyoncé. She was so irritating. Jay and I were actually getting along, and then he dropped that bomb on me. How was I supposed to take that? He didn't outright say it, but he was obviously cheating on her. Not only that, but he'd let it affect his relationship with me. That was pretty shitty.

I rubbed my temples. I could feel a headache coming on. I really didn't know what to do. I didn't want to hate Jay. Maybe I could make an exception for him because I didn't have many allies here. At least he was man enough to admit what he did. He could have kept it to himself. I never would have known. I doubted Beyoncé would have told me.

And then there was Beyoncé. I groaned, resting my head in my hands. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel bad for her.

"Maybe I should give her a chance. It's not like I have a whole lot of options." I mumbled tiredly.

Just then, my phone vibrated. I looked down, curious. No Caller ID. I frowned at my phone, trying to decide whether I should pick up or not. Mama always told me never to answer my phone if I wasn't 100% sure who was calling. I glared angrily at my phone.

"Well she isn't here now, is she? She left me without a second thought," I muttered bitterly. I swiped answer.

"Hello?" I answered, hesitant.

"Hey baby, you alone?" answered the voice I wanted to hear more than anything.

I sobbed into the phone. Mama chuckled.

"I know baby, I know. I've missed you so much, but I need you to take a few deep breaths. Can you do that for me, hon?"

I nodded as if she could see me. I took a few deep breaths, each one coming easier than the last. Slowly, my sobs died down.

"Okay Ray, go somewhere where no one can hear you and lock the door. Tell me when you're ready."

I jumped off my bed and sprinted across the room to the door. I opened it quietly and peeked out into the hall. No one was there. I closed it softly, locked it and ran back to my bed. I put the phone to my ear.

"Okay, I'm here." I whispered. I doubted anyone would hear me if I spoke normally, but I didn't want to take any chances.

"You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice. I've been so worried about you," she said in her light, raspy tone.

Before all this mess went down, I used to like thinking I'd gotten my rasp from her. We didn't look alike, so having that little connection made me feel better. I was wrong though. I was wrong about a lot of things.

I could feel my bottom lip trembling. "Were you worried? Because you left in a real hurry. Kai told me what happened. You knew I was in jail. You knew I needed you, and you still left."

"You think I wanted this? You think it was easy to pack up and leave you after all this time? It wasn't. I've done everything I could these past 11 years to keep us together. To keep you safe. I always knew this was a possibility. The older you got, the more you looked like her. Every time you left the house I wondered if you would ever come back."

I wiped my eyes. "You couldn't even leave me a note though, Mama?"

"No, couldn't risk it. I didn't want them to know I plan on getting you back, because I do. Believe that. We're going to be together, baby. Just you and I, like before."

Tears streamed down my face. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my heart. I briefly thought about Blue. My thoughts even flitted to Jay for a moment, but I shoved those thoughts down. I just met those people today. This was my mama. The choice was simple.

"Like before," I repeated.

"Just like before." There was movement on the other end of the phone. "I have to go now, baby."

"NO! Don't leave me!" I begged.

"It's temporary, Ray. I got things in the works." More movement. "Don't try to call me. I'm getting rid of this phone. I'll try to contact you soon. I love you, Sarayah. Don't give up on me."

"I love you too, Mama," I whispered.

I set my phone down slowly. I would never give up on her. I would do whatever I could to get out of here. I would lull them into a false sense of security by being good and compliant, then one day I would just be gone. I lay down, peaceful thoughts of home leading me into a deep sleep.

I woke up to a familiar pair of dark brown eyes staring down at me. I sat up and tried to push her off me, but she grabbed my face and started planting wet kisses all over it.

"UUGGGHH. Gross! Get off me!" I yelled. I gave her one final push, and she fell to the side.

I wiped the spit off my face in disgust. "I'm not a baby anymore. You can't be doing that shit."

She looked at me in surprise. Probably wasn't ready for my big girl attitude. Her and Beyoncé needed to realize that I was not a child anymore. I rolled my eyes, looking towards the door. I gasped, eyes bulging.

"No." I looked back at her, incredulous. "Solo! You broke down my door?"

She put her hand over her mouth as if shocked by what she'd done. I made a face.

"Oh, don't pull that 'it wasn't me' bullshit. I know it was you!" I popped my head out the doorway, into the hall.

"GRANDMAAAAAAA!" I roared.

I glared at Solo as she slowly smiled. "You won't be smiling in a minute, I promise you that. She's gonna beat your ass."

I walked back into the room, smug. Moments later Grandma appeared at the door, a look of shock on her face. I pointed at Solange who was now grinning, then at the door.

"You see what she did?" I huffed, crossing my arms. Solo, on the other hand, was practically bouncing with joy.

"WHY ARE YOU SMILING? IT'S NOT FUNNY. IT'S NEVER FUNNY," I shouted, irritated with the whole situation. This was her thing. She'd break something of mine then laugh when I had a meltdown, making me even angrier in the process.

Grandma shared a significant look with Solange then looked at me. I was still fuming. She walked over to me and held my shoulders, looking into my eyes.

"You remember us?" She asked, softly.

"I–"

I paused, frowning, finally taking in the significance of what just happened. I looked between them, confused. My head swam as I realized that I did recognize them. How though? Why? I didn't remember anything before, so why now? I felt dizzy, confused. It was like I'd been walking around in the dark and someone just switched on the lights. It was both illuminating and painful.

I put my hands on my head, frustrated with my memory. "I–I don't know. I don't–"

I scrunched my face up, fighting off the sudden urge to cry. I didn't want to remember. I didn't want this to become my home. I didn't want to know these people. I didn't want them to become my family.

She held my face in her hands, looking me in the eye. "Hey, it's okay. Don't fight it, baby. It's okay."

I shook my head and a tear rolled down my cheek. My lip quivered as I tried and failed to fight the emotions warring for dominance inside me. Sensing my inner conflict, Grandma pulled me into a hug, and it was like a dam burst. I broke down. I recognized her smell. It reminded me of rainy nights. Burying my face into her chest as thunder crashed. It smelled like comfort. Safety. Love.

I felt another pair of arms wrap around me. I turned my head to see Solange grinning at me. She had tears of her own streaming down her face. My face scrunched up as a renewed wave of emotions hit me. She laughed.

"Old sensitive ass," she mumbled. "Come here."

I turned around to hug her properly. She quickly returned it, squeezing tightly. She smelled different, but the hug felt right. Memories started floating to the surface. Running into Solo's arms when she picked me up from daycare. Solo catching me at the bottom of the slide. Solo clutching me to her chest as she swung me around. They just kept coming, blurring together into one indescribable feeling.

I squeezed her tighter, realizing something with a jolt. "I missed you."