A Mother's Bond

57

Beyoncé  October 29, 2016
Awake?

I stared down the hall at the open door. After making the announcement, Jay had immediately disappeared back inside the room. Dr. Reeves was quick to follow his path, leaving Solo and I stunned in the hallway.

Solo turned to look at me, her eyes wide. "She's awake," she mumbled incredulously. "She woke up."

I stared back at her, my face still wet with my freshly shed tears. I felt emotional whiplash. A minute ago, I was sure my daughter was going to die, and now she was...

"Awake?" I whispered, still dazed.

Solo stood up, pulling me with her. We were halfway down the hall when I came to my senses. I ripped my arm out of her grasp and took a step back. Solo turned around, confused.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

I shook my head, holding my hands up. "I can't."

Solo scrunched her face up. "You can't?" She sighed, grabbing my shoulders. "Not this again, Bey. She's awake. There's no reason to avoid seeing her. She's going to live."

I shivered, remembering the past month. "I was awful to her, Solo. Truly awful."

"Yeah, you were pretty awful to me too for a whole lot longer," she pointed out.

I frowned at her. Was she really choosing this moment to make me feel like shit?

"Okay, I'm sorry," I mumbled.

Solo rolled her eyes. "My point is that even though I had to deal with you a lot longer, I still managed to forgive you. I'm sure she'll forgive you too."

"That's different. You are a grown woman, Solo. Plus, you're my sister. Siblings are allowed to be assholes to each other. Sarayah, on the other hand, is my child. No matter what she does I can't be reacting like she's just anybody." I shook my head. "I'm not going in there, Solo. I can't. I'm not ready to face her. Not yet."

"How do you think she's gonna feel when she doesn't see you?"

I scoffed. "Happy, relieved, indifferent. Take your pick. She doesn't want me there, and I don't blame her."

Solo groaned. "Fine, stay your stubborn ass out here for all I care. I just want you to know that both you and your daughter are idiots."

With that, she walked down the hall, only pausing briefly to see if I'd follow. When I didn't budge, she sighed and walked into the room.

I paced the length of the hall, not knowing what to do. Just the thought of seeing Sarayah was making my anxiety shoot through the roof. I sat in one of the chairs in the hall and rested my head in my hands. A big part of me wanted to run into the room and hug her. But a bigger part of me was scared of what would happen if I did. Sarayah staring up at me from that bed with blame and hurt in her eyes...I could take it from Jay, I could take it from my mother, but I couldn't take it from Sarayah.

I knew I couldn't make up for how I'd treated her, but I wanted to do something. Anything, to help her feel better. To make her momentarily forget the pain she was in.

And then I got it. I grabbed my purse and walked to one of the empty rooms for privacy. I pulled out my phone and made a few calls. One of my favorite things about being well connected was accessibility. If I wanted to get something done, I could easily find people to make it happen. It was something I would never take for granted.

When I was done with my calls, I walked back out into the hall. Surprisingly, everyone was already out there. Blue was sitting in one of the chairs playing on her iPad. Carla was in the chair next to her. Jay must have called her to help out when he didn't see me in the hall. Good thinking.