A Mother's Bond

3

Jay-Z P.O.V. July 4th, 2016
I sat back on the couch and let out a deep breath. It happened every year like clockwork. Beyoncé would be fine. She would take care of Blue while working on her music. She was Superwoman. Then July 4th would roll around and she was gone. She would lock herself in her room. She wouldn't get out of bed. She'd just lie there in pain, reliving the worst day of our lives over and over again. Usually I would take Blue out of the city, so she wouldn't be exposed to it, but last year, on the 10th anniversary, I came home to find Beyoncé with a bottle of pills in her hand sobbing. She claimed she wasn't going to do anything, but the look in her eyes...

I shook my head, trying to clear away the memory. I felt a light tap on my leg and opened my eyes. Blue was staring sadly up at me.

"Mommy's crying again."

I wiped the tears from her eyes.

"I know, baby. She's in a lot of pain right now. We should give her some time."

She frowned. "Can't you kiss it better?"

I smiled pulling her into my lap. "This isn't that kind of booboo." I kissed her head softly.

"Maybe if she saw the fireworks..." she trailed off, letting the suggestion hang.

My heart clenched. The thought of seeing fireworks without August was almost too much to bear. The thing about a missing child is, there's no closure. You know they're probably dead, but there's this hope they're still out there, safe. Alive. There's no moving on because you're still clinging to the past.

Beyoncé and I dealt with the loss in two very different ways. While she clung to the pain of that day, I clung to hope. I wasn't sure which one was worse. Every time I heard the door open, or the phone ring, a part of me hoped it would be August, and every time it wasn't, a part of me died. After all these years I was still waiting. Still waiting for her to walk through that door, ready to go see the fireworks with her daddy. But I couldn't keep waiting forever. How could I expect Bey to move on when I couldn't either?

Blue pulled on my shirt. "Pleeaaase."

I nodded, holding back tears. "Yeah, Blue. I think that's a good idea."

I looked down at my phone. 9:00 pm. We still had enough time.

I picked Blue up and headed for my bedroom. I knocked on the door once before immediately walking in.

Beyoncé turned around to glare up at me, blond hair wildly framing her face. She looked like an angry lion, snarl and all, but I was unfazed. I didn't care how much she despised me for doing this. We were going to move on.

"Get up. Get dressed. We're going to take Blue to see the fireworks."

Blue hugged me tightly, grinning from ear to ear. It warmed every part of me. I felt completely at peace. I looked back up to see Beyoncé shooting daggers at me and just like that, my peace shattered. Well that feeling was short lived.

"Listen, if you want to miss out on her first fireworks, then go right ahead, but I'm not gonna sit here and neglect the daughter we have out of some warped sense of obligation to the daughter we lost. You have 15 minutes to decide what's important to you."

I slammed the door and pretended to walk away. I pressed my ear to the door, waiting to hear movement. I decided to give her five minutes. If I didn't hear anything, I would take Blue without her. After a long 60 seconds, I heard her get out of bed. I gave Blue a thumbs-up, and ushered her to her room to get ready.

20 minutes later we were on the road. I glanced over at Bey. She had pulled her hair back into a ponytail and thrown on a simple hoodie and jeans. Her eyes were swollen, and she looked just about ready to kill me, but she came. That was all that mattered.

It only took us 15 minutes to drive to my office. I grabbed the blankets I had brought and headed up to the roof.

The air was a little chilly, so I wrapped the biggest blanket around me and Beyoncé and stuck Blue between us. After a few seconds, Bey relaxed, leaning in to me. I kissed her forehead, and she smiled into my shoulder.

"Thank you," she mumbled.

"Huh? I'm sorry, I didn't hear that." I joked.

She playfully pinched my side. I laughed in response and she smiled up at me, showing her dimple.

"Seriously though. I really needed this." She looked at Blue lovingly. Blue smiled back and kissed her cheek.

I scrunched up my face. "Hey, what about me?" I asked, feigning hurt.

Bey frowned at me. "What about you?"

Blue stuck out her tongue at me. "Yeah, what about you?"

"Wow, see what you're teaching her?" I complained, pointing at Blue. "I thought you were supposed to be a daddy's girl."

I looked down at two matching grins. I shook my head. "Whatever, let's just–"

I was cut off by a loud popping sound. We looked up as a shower of red and blue sparks filled the night sky. I watched Blue and Bey staring up at the sky, eyes filled with wonder, and smiled. I felt genuinely happy.

When the fireworks display ended, I decided to take the long way home, not wanting the night to end. I looked at Blue in the backseat, sleeping peacefully. I smiled and reached for Bey's hand, intertwining our fingers.

She smiled sleepily at me. "Today was a good day."

I nodded. Then my phone rang. I looked at the dashboard and frowned at the number. It looked vaguely familiar. Beyoncé looked at the time. 11:58 pm.

She looked at me and shook her head. "No."

"Bey, it's my work phone. It could be important. Who would call this late for no reason?"

She sat up straighter. "I swear to God, Jay. Do not even think about answering that phone. It's family time. Whatever it is can wait until morning."

I hesitated. She was probably right, but I hated ignoring work calls. It could be an emergency. I gave her an apologetic look and pressed answer.