Letters from Shanti Ashram, India

68. Life in America: Pros and Cons - Jan 2001

Life in America: Pros and Cons

January 7, 2001

Shanti Ashram

Dear Parents,

Namaskars.

I see that you are very clever Americans, trying to get me there some way or the other!! You tried singing the glories of America and pointing out the defaults in India, for a few months. As this did not get us anywhere, you then tried saying there was an urgent crisis and my presence there was immediately required. That also, no go.

Then you said you would give up writing to me for month of December. But you broke that vow to convey a new and juicy idea, that you had no money to send me because money was way too tight with high interest rates etc. Now, as a New Year's present, the news is that you are planning to build a small room for me, with toilet and all!! What are the estimates for the impoverished, interest-paying parents? Will not the work be a tad bit more than the money you are sending me for the year? I could instead put that amount in the bank here nicely, no need to struggle working in USA!

The sad fact is, 50% of the time my mind thinks it would be good to leave India and go to America, and the other 50% of the time it rejects the idea. The heart is 100% against going. So this war is going on within me, which explains no ticket reservation as yet. Even if there were a ticket in my hands, I would not go to get any flight until mind and heart could agree on going.

Mind sometimes says, "You could earn money to return and be well off, depending on no one! You could eat nicely and be in comforts, no rats!"

Other times, mind and heart say, "Could you live in the rat-race world, with a job? Could you survive in the cold for long? Would you be happy in the outside world, struggling to pay bills in a low-rent, shared apartment? Could you struggle long enough in the cold to get a hefty savings to return to India if you wanted to? Could you adjust in the place that you ran away from 17 years ago, when still an un-Indianised American? Could you be happy and joyful in the midst of American ways of life, touching others by shaking hands and speaking with gents, and other untold offers? Or, could you feel fulfilled sitting in a cave-room indefinitely, only doing Japa and cleaning house? Or going out to serve Americans who have nothing in common with you? Do you want rats or rat-race?"

As you can see, the unsavory questions are outnumbering the savory ones. If it was only a question of a short pleasure jaunt, if might be more easily acceptable. But it isn't. I have no money, transportation, clothes or other things like papers (ID card, Social Security card lost, no referrals for jobs, no acceptance of dressing American style (for any job), no knowledge of the many American requirements like paying taxes etc.) Even here I am so muddle-headed and uninterested in the outside world, that others comment that it would be hard indeed for me to adjust and survive there, and I agree. My mind just can't adjust with the outside world lifestyle.

On the other hand, I am totally uninterested in joining other Ashrams or communities. I know all about them: The holy beings who start Ashrams may be Saints, but all those living in them cannot be expected to be saints. In fact, due to pressure of spiritual practices that churn up all impurities, the residents are more often than not very trial some. If you would come here and start to live in Ashrams, say a year in each Ashram of your choice, of any holy beings you consider great saints, you would agree with me.

So my life is thus at a turning point, where I will go, I STILL know not. Perhaps I will feel some answer after visiting Swami in February (I sent for ticket reservation, 5th-14th Feb. Ticket hasn’t come yet).

Sundaram wrote of the crowded Christmas celebrations in Whitefield. She was in the Choir (230 people), made up of a small fraction of the foreigners present.

As for Dad's so-called 'experience,' the mind of less than perfected beings project all sorts of nonsense, in sleeping and in waking state also. He might have been picking up on the event of people causing havoc, trying to deceive others regarding good people who are only doing good.

If we were in the time of Jesus no doubt we would have nightmarish dreams of mass delusion. But it would refer to the bad people trying to convince people against Jesus, not that Jesus was deluding the masses! Anyway, these things all come, go and pass away. The good remains in the long run, even if it takes time.

Upon hearing of your room-building letter, Chandravati said, "Oh dear! They are pining to see you! What do you know of a mother's love? Bearing the child for nine months, raising them by renouncing all comforts, living heart and soul for the child, how can you know the torments of a mother's heart, separated from the child? Go, go to your dear parents and cool their pining hearts, longing to see you!" All people here are agreeing with her. I doubt you are pining for me like that, but you naturally want me to enjoy what you consider the best for me. So we shall see what will happen.

So all for now! Hari OM!

Love,

Divya

__________________

Better Not to Go

January 22, 2001

Shanti Ashram

Dear Parents,

Now that I m giving the people here a full picture of the ice and snow, minimum wage struggles, need to buy clothes, transportation and deal with the American ways, they have shifted back to the, “Better not to go!” line of thought. They are wavering as much as I am!! Only God will decide. He will prompt my heart and at the same time, give a definite and decisive sign, dream or advice that will guide my life.

In my opinion, the all-mightily VISA card is purely irresponsible. Is it not irresponsible to happily spend what you do not have, then die with a load of debts for others to pay? Is it not being a thief to receive goods and then resort to tricky methods to delay payment - what life is the world! Surely I could not survive! I can die peacefully, being simple and with no debts. One thing about life in America, everyone is brainwashed into accepting twisted things as perfectly normal.

Here my room has taken on a new look (symbolic??). For the first time in 6 ½ years, it has been whitewashed inside and out. So it has a new, shining, pure look to it. The windows and doors also have afresh coat of real paint.

As part of Swami Omkar’s B-day celebrations every year, they whitewash all the buildings. However, every year they used to tell me that it wasn’t necessary for mine, so I finally stopped asking. Now this year, Vinamra had hers done, after demanding it for a long time. Then she insisted that mine shoulders be done so – PRESTO! – they listened to her and did it.

Love,

Divya