Letters from Shanti Ashram, India

47. I Run Amok in Chennai & Attacked in Shanti Ashram

I Run Amok in Chennai & Attacked in Shanti Ashram

August 6, 1999

Dear Parents,

Susheela has been writing angry letters saying Vinamra and I had done an unforgivably selfish act, and that the cat would not be able to stand the weather and would die off, and that we should bring it immediately back to Kotagiri. Also that her (Susheela’s) heart could not have any compassion for such selfish people, etc.

Whew! I didn’t answer the letter, as in an earlier letter to her I had said that the cat was happy in the driver’s house. With such people, it is better to be silent. “Silence is Golden.” Life has taught me that each one has their own personality and to take the changing of that personality into our own hands, is a fruitless task. We can't even change ourselves - how can we change others?! Better to accept them as they are and keep silent. Plus avoid the dangerous ones!

Speaking of personalities, I didn’t tell you the full cat story! On the way to Chennai it was I, not Vinamra, that was being scolded again and again by Jnaneswari, about the cries of the cat. As I could not convince Vinamra to leave the cat, I became an accomplice to the smuggling and helped to watch over it up to Chennai (all night journey). By morning I was receiving darting looks of anger from everyone except Vinamra.

We unloaded our luggage on the Chennai platform awaiting the Chennai host when the cat cried and Jnaneswari blew up at me again, “What is this, everyone against me!” I said, and thinking I couldn’t remain calm in such an atmosphere of such tension, I quickly went jumping the tracks saying, “I can't come with you all now! I will return to the connecting train this evening!” and I made my escape! No one could follow my daring leaps, only they could shout for me to return. But I was off, remembering my childhood days when I used to get upset and run off in the night to the abandoned school, there to hide in the bushes until I cooled off. Then I would climb into my room window in the early morning.

They spent the day in an A/C hotel room, having lunch at a devotee’s house.

I wandered in the streets of Chennai, finally settling in a big bus depot. It was sweltering hot and I hadn’t brought any money, so I sat quietly, alone and in silence. At one point I thought I would keel over from lack of water, as the water faucet in the depot was broken! Suddenly a kindly old sweeper lady came looking at me sadly and asked if I had eaten. When I shook my head, she asked if I wanted tea so I gratefully motioned that I’d like water (remaining in mouna, silence). Maybe she thought I was a runaway lady in dire straights! She compassionately brought a little purified water packet, and when I looked worried he Rs 1.25 price tag, she said I didn’t need to give any money. Thought God had sent the water to me!

In the evening, I returned to the train station, knowing the train would go by about 7:30 PM. Everyone naturally was not only worried, but thought I had gone crazy also! Yes, maybe! I grabbed my moneybag and bought lots of juices and water, before the train left 15 minutes later. Everyone just gave me the kind of looks they would give someone in a mental institution, only Bangaroo Uncle talked to me nicely like a normal person.

It was a week before Jnaneswari talked to me again! All the English letters are again the duty of Brother Swami ChidSivananda, who writes by hand. Even now Jnaneswari isn’t saying much to me. I think she might be afraid that I would go crazy again if she says anything wrong! Not crazy, you know how I just need to disappear alone for sometime, now and then.

Here rats and mice are on the increase, not having any fear of cats. I simply don’t know what to do about my room - there are so many mice in the red tiles on the roof! The mason says the house won't support a cement roof. I almost feel like keeping a snake to scare away the rats! The mice run around freely in my room, and are increasing their families at a frantic rate. The room is filled every day with their droppings, and my allergy is increasing, I wish I knew of a solution. All karma, no doubt!