Letters from Shanti Ashram, India

52. Interesting Dreams with Dead People - Nov 1999

Interesting Dreams with Dead People

November 13, 1999

Dear Parents,

Sai Ram and Hari Om! Divya conveys her namaskars. Here all is fine.

Tomorrow Jnaneswari will leave for Visakhapatnam and I will have rest here!

Though I feel this is an ideal place to stay, the strange and restless pull is irresistible. On one hand I am loath to go out in the big, bad world; on the other hand I feel I am being dragged away, like Swami as a mother is pulling the hand of the child to another, advanced classroom.

When I was in Anandashram, feeling the same restless pull but not knowing what to do, I could only turn to Yukteswarji and I wrote to the Puri ashram. The answer was not favorable (no lady guests allowed) but by the time the answer came (one month), Swami Satchidananda had just called me saying I had to go, and at the same time the devotees there told me of this ashram. So, due to the strange pull I am searching about; at the same time thinking that God will guide and in fact, my destination has already been pre-determined by Him!

Thank you for your very kind offer and suggestion to return to the clean, efficient and perverted America. Who knows? Only time will tell. Until then, I am focusing my search in this country. You know I adjust more comfortably with Indian villagers!

I am sure you remember how fond Yukteswarji was of the wayward and egotistical devotees. Whatever the reason, past life connections or what, the fact is that many of us have inexplicable attraction for some people, and those same people are often not the greatest personalities. How affected was Yukteswarji, when he had to send the wayward dearly beloved devotee away! I remembered this story a lot seeing, over the years, the love that Jnaneswari treasured for her dear Susheela. Susheela would only complain about everyone daily, and have umpteen suspicions both true and totally false. Jnaneswari just listened and listened with such respect, at all the ravings due to Susheela’s righteous indigestion. Love is like that. Poor Jnaneswari is still pretty sad and depressed over her loss. It seems she told Susheela shortly after she first arrived in Shanti Ashram, “God has taken Swami Omkar and my dear own sister Shanti from me; but now I have new strength and joy, for He has sent you to me!” Her love for Susheela was like that.

As for me I am a handy sevak but I get on her nerves with my own idea of Dharma (like sometimes taking supplies of rice or biscuits – very small amounts – to be fed to any poor malnutrition guests or animals). We are on two different roads that don’t meet often, as far as mind is concerned. Actually she never saw (or expressed to others that she saw) faults in others, but her love of Susheela overcame all obstacles. So sad to say, it seems only Jnaneswari is truly sad and depressed at Susheela’s departure. The rest of us are admittedly relieved. How sad!

Everyone has their good qualities. I must say that our Susheela did admirable meditation for hours at a stretch. She didn’t like saying mantras so concentrated on self-inquiry, ‘Who am I?’ The answer was, of course, that she was God, which explained her righteous nature. She also arranged flower vases very nicely, and changed the bed sheets in Swami Omkar’s rooms, loyally every Thursday. She also gave golden advice to others, telling we should meditate more, go into silence and do self-inquiry. MAY HER SOUL REST IN PEACE!

On 6 November (18 days after her death) I had a dream of Susheela! Since three months I have newly started another dream-cum-thoughts diary, and I copy from it:

DREAM: There was a big, ethereal, shining, white hall somewhere, and it was filled with people in colorful clothes. They were all sitting on the floor facing the front, as if waiting for a function. I entered the door at the front, to the left of the facing people. I went to the back where there was place and as I was sitting who should I see? In a corner at the very back was Susheela, wearing light ochre clothes (as she wore in the first year I was here), smiling slightly and nodding at me, as if to say, “Oh! So you’ve come!” I just stood transfixed staring at her, wondering in my mind, “What is this? She’s dead! Then how and why is she sitting here, perfectly visible before me??”