yesterday, i gave birth to my child. i don't know whether it was a boy or girl but i called it angel. i didn't get to see what angel looked like because it was too small for me to hold. i am a mess, i am tired, i am fed up. i am also tempted to hurt myself again but i know that hero won't be very happy with me if i do. that's also the last thing i need. he's being so good to me, i was up crying all night and he stayed up with me. he cried a bit, i can tell he's very upset but he's trying to keep it in so he can stay strong for me. hero tried to make me something but i dropped him because i don't want him to waste his time because i am not going to eat - i refuse to eat. i am broken again.
"are you okay?.." jace asks, sitting on the end of the bed.
"no, i'm not hero" i say, my heart is hurting. i feel more broken than i have ever felt. this pain is worse than when i broke up with hero. hero moves his body up to the top of the bed, where i am laying, he moves under the blanket and wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me close to him. i nuzzle my face into his chest and the smell of his cologne fills the air.
"i love you" he mumbles.
"you too" i reply.
i physically cannot tell him that i love him , i am scared of rejection and i don't know if he will want to say it back. i just want my baby back, what did i do wrong? i hate myself, this is my fault, i could've stopped this i don't know how but i could have. i hate myself so much.
"are you hungry yet baby? you need to eat?" hero asks, cuddling into my back.
he speaks to me in such a soft tone.
"no" i mumble
i don't want food hero, i know you're trying to help but i don't need food to survive. i just want my baby back, i want you, i want everything to be perfect. i hate myself , i hate myself, i hate myself. why do i always have to be a fuck up?
"hero" i whisper, getting his attention.
"am i a fuck up?"
his eyes are glossy, i can tell that he is fighting the tears that are threatening to spill from his piercing green eyes.
hero shakes his head and holds me in his arms, making me feel safe. i guess it makes me feel slightly better about myself that my boyfriend doesn't think that. i always thought for some odd reason that he does. he doesn't, he loves me. hero loves me, he loves me.
