today is the day of the scan. i'm scared - i'm not going to lie - to see the little life inside of me. i hope when it's born i am ready to look after it. i feel like i'm going to be a failure as a mom. i sit in the waiting room and hero strokes his thumb over my knuckles.
"i cant" i say.
i am on the verge of breaking down, i can't do this.
"yes you can babygirl, yes you can" he whispers, trying to calm me down.
"josephine langford?" the nurse woman says and hero and i get up.
i lay down on the bed, she asks my date of birth etc.
"the gel will be a little cold" she says before applying the cold, clear gel on my stomach.
hero is holding my one hand as he knows that i am not mentally prepared for this. she starts looking at the baby and it's a small little thing. the nurse looks at the screen, concerned.
"is everything okay?" hero asks, you can hear the worry and concern in his voice.
"i'll be right back" she says, leaving the room.
"what's happening?" i ask hero, i am worried. i don't want something to go wrong already.
a man then comes into the room, following the same procedure as the woman did. he nods at the other nurse.
at this point, i am confused and i want to know what is going on with my baby.
"i'm sorry" the nurse says.
i bite the inside of my cheek.
hero looks broken, he knows what's happening.
"w..what?" i manage to spit out.
"you've miscarried" the other nurse says in an apologetic voice.
"we'll give you some time",the female nurse mumbles and they both exit the room.
hero doesn't say anything, he just hugs me. i cry and cry and cry.
i then hear hero sobbing, this is too much for me to handle. my baby is dead, gone.
"can i not have one ounce of happiness in my life" i sob.
hero stays quiet, he's trying to comfort me. he knows that if he says something - i am going to overreact and then just break down again.
