Not What We Expected

38: To Be With You

First of all, I'm sorry because I know what I said in my last note but life came in between as it does sometimes. And a 450-page book in English that should be read in seven days so... Recap where we left last time: A conversation between Dec and his father and then Dec went to Ant to talk and to get comforted a bit. This is some days after everything came out and their talk. So here's the last chapter.

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"But Dec, please, don't be like this, stop being so impossible...", Jojo sighs in that way he has heard her do quite a few times before, "I mean, you lied to me about something quite essential as well."

"Yeah... But...", the problem here is that he knows that she is right, this time as well, "I know, but it was for your sake!"

It was! In his world, he saved his best friend for his anxiety because that wasn't (and still isn't) anything that he thinks that should be bothering her. Dec not being able to handle his feeling in the best way,and instead cutting himself out of it, that's not Jojo's fault, so she shouldn't be forced to take part of that. 'Take part' - as in knowing that it happens...

"But?"

"It was for your sake.", Dec says again and looks right into her eyes, doing his best to try and make her understand that he is genuine, "It was."

"It was still a lie- I mean, you were talking about principals just a minute ago.", she continues and Dec has to let slip of a small, small smile. He thinks that he is quite good when it comes to formulating himself and delivering comebacks and so, but he really has to give Jonna that she sometimes is even better than he is. - Probably because she is a way better listener than he is, most of the times.

Jojo is right, as always what it seems... As always. She is right when she claims that when she told her sister about Dec's secret, and her sister told Cam, nothing happened. She is right, nothing happened and he walked around and believed that no one else than Martin in their family knew about it. But as a principle, it was wrong of her to lie to him. - But then if it is a principal, then it was equally wrong of him to tell her that he'd stopped cutting when he hadn't...

He is a hypocrite, he knows that but he can't help the feeling that she did worse than he did with her lie. And that feeling is despite the rational side of him telling him that her lie actually did nothing and his lie most certainly made his continued self harming easier. Or it was one less person to watch him - something he guesses many others would count as 'bad'.

But now they know, they all know... And about both things... His and her 'lie'. Three days have passed since it all came out and on some way, Jojo found out. Either through the never-ending rumours or maybe she got to know it by Anth - she doesn't want to tell him... But she knows and one of the things Dec was (most) worried about has happened, even with Joanna; people around him are more 'careful'. Or when he meets someone he knows if they know. It's easy, he can tell quite fast if the rumours have reached the person he is talking to. They look at him differently and he feels it and hates it because nothing has in fact changed. He is the same person as he was before they knew. He does the same things, he thinks the same thoughts, he acts the same way as he did before! The only difference now is that they know about it.

But Anth is probably the person who has changed the least. Even though Anth often talks about how he's not good in social environments or at reading social codes, Dec is amazed because Anth always knows how to treat Dec to make him feel comfortable. Anth behaviour-change is pretty much none compared to how it was three days earlier. And before that, the way he changed when he first got to know about the scars - it was small enough for Dec to not walk around and be overly annoyed by it. (Like is now with almost everyone else.)