Not What We Expected

10: Not The Relationship-Kind-Of-Guy

To have it said: TEEN AND UP, I don't write very graphical things because I'm too embarrassed but the sex-bit is "needed". And warning: second last part of the chapter contains Dec's self-harming-behaviour.

Dec has started to wonder why all his friends always insist on hanging out outdoors. Okay if it was June, or if they lived in Australia, but now they don't. It's north England, at the middle of April and it's still cold! And he refuses to say yes to Clara's offer about borrowing her jacket. Sometimes he has to man up, even if he's gay. Or maybe not 'even if', maybe more 'just because'?

He and Clara are almost cuddled up at a bench, close, close to each other to keep some warmth. Her hand is stroking his thigh in an absent-minded way and he has put his arm around her. - It's easy to play straight! Maybe it is a bit unfair of him to get angry with people who believe that Joanna or Clara is his girlfriend?

Ironically, he's more or less always dreamt about being an actor, but sometimes he realises that playing Declan Donnelly is already a full-time job. He knows his life goal, please his parents, and he knows what his parents want. And they seem to be convinced by his acting so probably that also means he's playing his part pretty well so far.

His friends are talking about Friday's party, a party he couldn't attend. But maybe that was good, now when he has decided to not fall in love again. He has to stop hooking up with random guys when drunk, hope for love and then over and over again be disappointed. Maybe to be on the safe side should he totally stop hanging out with other guys at all. Keep himself to the girls he knows he won't fall in love with, but if he actually should, that would be more than great.

"So many times I gave away my little heart when he just as well could have jerked off." (Mia Skäringer) It has been too much of that. But this is not the first time he thinks like this, that he should stop whoring around... Hasn't he, again and again, told himself that was the last time when the emptiness filled him after he got rejected again. But he keeps doing it, keeps getting drunk so he becomes brave so he can fill up that hole inside him temporary with them begging for more and moan out his name.

When they finally are everyone who should be there, someone lits some disposable grills and some others are preparing the food. From a distance Dec watches Anth casually walking around, chatting with the other guys, flipping a burger, poke on some hot dogs, now and then making a girl laugh and spontaneously hugging them. So natural and relaxed in himself, so much a fuckboy. His friend is a fuckboy but Dec shouldn't care, because that is not his problem. Dec isn't the person who should fall for him so it doesn't matter how Anthony's love-life looks like.

"Lads, lassies", Anth suddenly says to get everyone's attention, "Because of Easter is my family away this weekend but I chose to stay, so I was thinking about having a party.", he says and then adds with a sheepish smile, "I mean, if someone feels like coming."

Almost everyone seems very happy about it and says that they're coming, and Dec does that too after checking with Joanna if he can sleep at her's. So stop attending parties and never drink again was an idea that stayed in his head for less than two hours. Good there, but again it's not anything new about it, self-discipline is hard! It's especially hard when Anth later when they are eating, sits down beside him to like double-check that Dec was one of they who said they knew for sure that they would come. And for some reason he even invites Martin.

Jojo said they are very similar, at first he just snorted "That's bollocks" but now he's seeing thing after thing. Only this afternoon has he found two new things, they both hate raw onion and they both have an ability to very quickly switch from brave and confident to nervous and uncertain. Dec isn't really sure how much of Anth's behaviour that's an act and how much of it that's genuine, but the nervousness certainly makes him seem more sympathetic and likeable in Dec's eyes.