Not What We Expected

9: Pretty Slutty Too

Note: It's still Friday, got like a quarter left here. :p

That last conversation Ant had with Dec has been going on repeat in his brain pretty much all the time since they spoke. It made him uncomfortable and almost disappointed. Disappointed how Dec so repeatedly said he wasn't homophobic, in a way that only people who really need to 'prove' anything would say it.

Ant has only had girlfriends himself, but that's because he has never dared to hit on another boy. Girls have said no when he has shown his interest and Ant thinks that's just a part of the whole trying-to-find-the-right-one-thing you have to take, but somehow it would feel even worse to get rejected by another boy. Because in that case has he both gotten a no and kind of unnecessary come out to him.

His bisexuality isn't like his deepest, deepest secret that nobody is ever allowed to find out. He has gotten over the first embarrassment, or more like shame, he felt when he first admitted it to himself, but he's still not totally comfortable with the thought of sharing it with everyone.

The problem now with Dec is that Ant likes him, in a friendly way at the moment (even though he may be, only maybe is about to develop a crush on him). For some reason he really likes Dec and him being a total brat at times when they've meat has only made him more interesting - but when it comes to acceptance of other people's right to love each other, in Ant's world that's a value that's very, very hard to compromise around.

---

"What have you done to make Ant believe you're a homophobe?", is Jojo's opening line when she steps into Dec's room.

Dec cringes at the memory, has done everything to forget about it but every night when he has gone to bed has his mind been like: Remember that call? Remember all the things you said and how silent Anth was on the other side? Remember, remember, remember!? Remember how stupid you are?

"God, can we not talk about it...", Dec begs as he wishes that she would hit something very hard into his head, but his response only makes the girl chuckle.

"So what happened?", she asks and sits down on the spare bed opposite Dec's own. (Martin's old one, which he doesn't need now anymore when he has Dermott's and Eamon's old room.) "You are the least homophobic person I know!"

"I hate myself, is that homophobia?", Dec's lips twitch a bit, almost a bit witty there, almost at least, "No, but I just...", yeah, what did he actually do? Made a fool out of himself again, nothing new about that. "I panicked, rambled, didn't want him to understand I'm gay...", okay, yeah, that's pretty much a very accurate explanation, he feels that now when he says it out loud. He didn't want to say anything that could make Anth suspect anything and the result of that was that he overdid it. Overdid it and fell over on the other side.

"But you prefer that he should think that you're one thing you absolutely not are, instead of knowing one thing you are?"

"Of course.", of fucking course!

"But you still seem quite bothered about it?"

Dec sighs, why has so much recently been about explaining how he thinks and how he feels? He just wishes Jojo would understand without asking. Of course he chooses homophobe before gay, but that isn't the same thing as that he wants people to think he is a homophobe. And not Anth. No, because Anth is the closest Dec's gotten to have a same-sex friend. He is accepted by another lad for the first time ever! It might be sounding silly and childish to think about it as 'finally being accepted by the cool boys' but it is a sort of victory for Dec.

And his parents seem very happy about it as well. His Father told him it would do good for him to have another lad to do lad-stuff tougher with. On that Dec's first thought was 'Lad-stuff, what the fuck is that? Things only lads do, like wanking or what?' but of course he didn't say anything. He was just very glad his Dad seemed satisfied with him.