Not What We Expected

30: It's A Paradox

I'm so sorry for the delay. And sorry, it's only 2000 words.

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It feels like they've got closer since Dec had to show his arms to Anth. Or it feels like their friendship, or relationship (whatever word he now should use) has become deeper. Their knowledge about each other has got a lot deeper since then at least.

They have talked through that thing about 'how to show that you care for someone'. Now they know that they both mean the same thing with the word care, but they've obviously got two different ways of showing it. Dec still think Anth's way is more than daft and he hates all of Anth's attempt of 'talking' as much as he always has, but Anth doesn't stop asking questions.

So sometimes, Dec answers things. Reveals something he has been thinking about that he usually wouldn't share with someone else, but that's mainly to make Anth shut up for a moment. And if Anth's very lucky, Dec even tries to tell him something about why he sometimes hurts himself. But then he has usually been thinking, the night before, about a smart and well-formulated sentence to use. So it's never as spontaneous as Anth seems to be wishing but it's something that keeps him quiet about Dec's secret.

Dec still feels very far from home whenever he feels he should ask Anth something connected to his well being more than "Everything's alright?". It still feels wrong because he hates the idea of upsetting Anth. Anth is calm and collected, why would Dec then start to ask him questions that he knows will poke holes in that bubble?

But since then have some questions been asked and he has got to know that Anth was only twelve when his Father left. His parents had been fighting a lot of a few months and one day, his Father had just announced that he had found a new, better woman and just walked out. Anth teared up when he talked about how he blamed himself for that and his bad conscience against his Mother for still loving his Father, despite the thing he did and had done to them.

Dec found it very hard to see how there could be any good in making Anth remember all that and felt incredibly bad for not know how to comfort his boyfriend. Nervously he just reached out his hand, squeezed Anth's a few times. He did that for almost a minute before he dared to move close enough to be able to put a gentle arm around Anth's shoulders - but without saying anything.

He has nothing against hugging Anth, nothing at all, that's one of the best things ever but he hates to be sitting there without knowing what to do with a crying lad. Doesn't know if he should hug and kiss the head as if Anth was a lass because the thing he really doesn't want to do is to make Anth feel humiliated. And he can't think 'What would I want' because then he wouldn't have asked from the start and he had wished to be left alone. But in Anth's world (and many others too, when he thinks about it) it's the wrong way to go - leavening.

But again, some questions have been asked. Questions that followed by Dec feeling uncomfortable and almost regretful for being responsible for the sadness in Anth's eyes. After all, he wants Anth to understand that he does care about him - because he does. But it's a complex situation, at least in Dec's head because there's also a balance between how much he wants to show Anth that he cares about him.

He told him that he cares about him more than Dec would want to - which was something he afterwards regretted because that kind of information can give Anth advantages. Dec has been holding back from the start since he realised how much Anth started to mean as a friend, he hasn't let Anth know about it. Partly because he didn't want to give Jojo right, partly because Anth seemed like 'a real lad' with too much confidence who absolutely didn't need to know how important he was for Dec.

And it seems like it's been the right thing to do. Anth is still hanging around with him. They are still boyfriends and Anth still seems to be liking him. Playing a bit 'hard to get' seems to be a better way. Dec showed Alex how desperate he was, how much he needed Alex and what did Alex do when he understood how much better than Dec he was: He took advantage of it.