Not What We Expected

34: Should Have (Not)

"I hate it when you apologise for being yourself."

Ant tries to look into Dec's eyes, but he just looks away, biting his lip. So Ant turns his head towards his Mother instead to try and understand what she thinks about this whole situation. He told her that Dec was a special and quite fragile lad, and she might have seen that in him when Dec's been over at theirs - but Ant guesses that she didn't expect this.

Seven stitches, Ant counted all of them. The cut looked so deep and it was so much blood that it was impossible for him to not look even though he didn't want to. Didn't want to make Dec feel even more uncomfortable that he knew Dec already did. Didn't want to see all that blood outside Dec's, all that blood that was supposed to be inside him, transporting oxygen back and forth to the heart, not just flooding out like that.

And Ant has been wanting to say something about that to Dec all night, but he is uncertain to what to say - how to say it. At some point Dec told him about the I-hate-to-see-you-cry-paradox (or what to call it), and Ant understood it, or he understands why it is a paradox. And after that he started to feel a bit paranoid about saying certain things to Dec.

He wants Dec to know how much he hates the fact that Dec has cut himself and that Ant has and had to see all that blood, but he can't say it just like that. At least not to Dec. Because at the same time as he hates it, he's very happy that Dec called him for help. Glad that Ant is the person he trusted to see him in that situation, despite their last 'argument'. Dec trusted Ant - he trusted someone.

"Am I allowed to go now?", Dec asks when the doctor eventually has made the last stitch and the nurse starts to put on plasters and bandage around his arm.

He gets a shake on the head from the doctor but it's the nurse that answers that they will have to talk about some "other stuff", now when Dec's here. Ant feels he likes the nurse but thinks the doctor is a bit tricky... He has done his job, it looks like he's done it great, but Ant just feels that he doesn't really like him. Ant didn't like his approach to Dec earlier. It was something about it, it felt a bit disrespectful.

"But I want to go home- I don't want to talk about anything!"

The doctor disappears out of the door but the nurse is left talking calmly to Dec, "I understand that love, but we only want to help you."

"But I only want to go home...", Dec says and Ant hears on his voice that he is close to tears again, "Anth... I'm tired and want to go home...", he repeats and with closed eyes rests his head against Ant's shoulder.

Ant can't help raising up from his place beside him to stand up in front of Dec and give him a proper hug. Again, Ant hates the tears and he hates that Dec hates this place and the fact that they now have seen what he has done to himself, but he also really think this is the best that could happen. Or, no, of course, if he could undo that cut, Ant would - but it's time for Dec to get help!

"Declan, can you let me have a look on your other arm? Let me clean it up and put some new plaster on that too?"

In the middle of the nurse's 'check-up' of his boyfriend's- because that is what Ant still wants to see Dec as- while that happens to Dec's other arm, another woman enters the room. Apparently, she's a child- and adolescent psychologist, and Ant immediately sees on Dec that he becomes sceptical. And Ant doesn't know if she notices it, but Ant clearly notices the almost ironic voice under Dec's very polite "Nice to meet you."

"Declan, I guess you understand why I'm here.", she begins and all Dec does is to look up at her for a short second and nod before he then looks away again, "And what do you think about that?"

"I think you have nothing to do with it, no one has."

"Okay- has your Mother been knowing that you've been doing this to yourself?", she asks and looks up towards Christine.