Not What We Expected

37: Change The World

Sorry again, but here is the (probably) second last chapter and the last will hopefully be up before May starts (or at the start of May).

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He walks side by side with his Father. It is a bit unclear whose idea this was, or probably his Mother's if he thinks about it - but at the same time it seems important to his Father too, at some level at least...? But with what intention, that's the unclear thing number two.

It was chaotic after his uncertain nodding when he admitted that he's cutting. Or it was more than chaotic, but how couldn't it be? Dec knew it would be, so... Anne kept crying even more than earlier and it was like Alph became even more uncomfortable and his attempt to comfort both his son and wife just felt even lamer for every new try.

Despite all the times Dec has woken up with a heart beating one million times per minute after nightmares about his parents finding out or seeing his scars, he had no idea about how to explain it. Or it wasn't even about explaining it because he knows that no one, and absolutely not his parents, would understand him when it comes to this. It was more about finding a way to say and admit it, and that was hard enough! He has been thinking about how to say it and what to say the day it gets out, but he just hadn't any words at all.

Some nodding, more crying - from both Dec and Anne - an awkward hand on a shoulder and a knee, that's how that 'conversation' can be summarised. And when Dec eventually, full of shame, told them what happened yesterday- or not really 'told them what happened', but told them that something happened and that Christine would be calling them tomorrow, Anne immediately called her there and then instead.

And when she came back from the phone call with Anth's Mother, she claimed her right to make Dec take off his shirt and when Dec eventually did, it set off a new stream of tears. He knew it would come and he can't decide what was the most humiliating: That or sitting alone with his Father when his Mother left the room to call Christine?

There was no such thing as eye contact during that moment. In reality the 'moment' probably lasted for around ten minutes but it felt like at least two hours. One small question was asked: why, question mark, and Dec's only answer was a shrug. What could he say? Would his Father even listen if he tried to explain, he wasn't sure, so he didn't say anything. And that silence is the same as the silence right now... Since they got outdoors, only two lines have been exchanged:

"But why Dec?", again.

"I don't know..."

A short conversation between his two parents in the kitchen while he sat in the living room, and then they came back and said that a classic Father-son-talk was needed. So here they are - not much if a 'talk' though...

"But why haven't you said anything?"

'Why?', how would he have said it? How could he ever have brought that up by his own? While eating their breakfast: 'By the way Mum and Dad, I'm cutting myself and now I'm off to school, see you tonight.'?

"Because I knew that you two would go mad and think I'm mad or something like that.", he shrugs instead of saying that other thing and what follows after that is another new long silence. An awkward silence of course, what else? So for some more moments are they just walking side by side and all Dec does is hoping that they won't run into someone they know.

Eventually they reach a little lake and Alphonsus signs that they should sit down on a bench so Dec does but nothing more happens. Now it's just them two sitting next to each other. Sitting but not talking, even though Dec is intensely thinking that one of them have to say sometimes. They have to talk, they have to get rid of this awkward and unbreathable atmosphere in some way - and he guesses that his Father thinks the exact same thing.