Not What We Expected

36: Dec's Just Come Out

As he said to Anth yesterday when they sat in the car and he tried to convince him and Christine to drop him off at his - if there was one night where he wouldn't be doing anything more 'stupid' against himself, it would be that night. Now has some hours passed though... And he's sitting on his bed, the door is blocked the traditional way and the razor blade is laying flat in his hand.

He arrived home after a lunch at Anth's and before that, he had a long talk with only Anth, and then an even longer chat with Anth and Christine. And yep, he is a hypocrite but on the other side, who isn't? In the first conversation with Anth he started with telling him that he wouldn't stop cutting for Anth's sake to then admit that maybe could work to make him stop.

Because the first thing was a lie. Again, a lie to not make Anth understand how much he means to Dec. And he also said it to put up some kind of fight because he was prepared to hear the old when-you-hurt-yourself-you-also-hurt-me-argument that he hates. - It's a pretty selfish argument to be honest, as if Dec's self-harming would be about them.

But Anth didn't use that line and it surprised him. He turned it 180 degrees and then Dec had to turn it back the same way. It was still done to show Anth that Dec won't just listen to him, and just do everything Anth tells him, even though the thing Dec said about motivations behind stop cutting was and is totally true...

The long lost self-respect doesn't really return like that because Anth says that he has a value. Why would he stop hurting himself for his own sake? It went wrong yesterday, of course he can see that as well, he's not stupid! And he should admit, the minutes that passed between his call to Anth and until Anth's arrival were the scariest minutes in his life.

But now, around 12 hours later when he pulls down his boxers and stares at the scars around his hips, he can only think that this is what he's doing for his own sake. A new cut to make it easier to breathe. To feel better and to create a balance after every time he, with or without purpose, made someone else feel worse than he or she did before they met Dec. This is for his own sake, why can't Anth see that?

But if Anth now really wants this... Is he prepared to try it for real? Not that he will be able to choose now when he thinks about it. Christine said she will call his parents tomorrow when she's got back from work - and after that...? Either his killed by his Mother- or maybe not killed, but he guesses his parents will go mad. Both mad as in angry with him and crazy and not sane. It wouldn't surprise him if they suggested a CCTV in both his room and on the toilets.

And they will probably make this be about God in some way, turn the behaviour into a sin or something. Dec doesn't really know what the bible says about that. Not that he really cares - but he knows his parents do and as Anth rightly has understood, pleasing them is one of the most important tasks in his life.

He's starting again at the razor blade - he has control, yesterday was one mistake and it will not be repeated. While breathing in and out of his nose he lets the sharp metal piece in his hand slide against the skin that covers his hip bone. It feels right at the same time as he hears Anth's voice telling him to stop, but instead of following that 'order' Dec just makes a new cut a few millimetres above the other one.

The rational part of him understands that he should listen to Anth (and everyone else who has told him to stop) but it's like he doesn't really want to. Or of course he wants to on some level, of course, but nowadays it's like he needs it and it almost feels good to do it. Of course he wishes that he didn't need it, but now he does and it's his way to suppress and get rid of the feelings of everything from shame or embarrassment to emptiness or sadness.

---

Sometimes is Dec amazed over how fast his mood can change, both ways. Because right now, he's actually very happy, or it's something on that side of the scale at least. He and Martin are playing video games in the living room and he managed to drop that thought about what-will-happen-tomorrow-when-Christine-calls-his-parents.