The Beauty & The Tragedy

Learning To Breathe Without You

The months after Demi's death were some of the hardest moments of my life. There were days when I couldn't even get out of bed. I cried constantly and I could hardly breathe. I had stopped going to work. I couldn't handle it. Everything reminded me of her. I barely left the house. It was all pointless to me.

I think my mom was wrong when she said that time would heal all wounds. The pain got worse everyday. Every room was filled with precious moments that would be lost to me forever. There would never be new memories made. She left so much undone. Her book still sat on the bed with the page folded to mark her place. She was on chapter 21. Who walked away at chapter 21?

Her things were still scattered about the house. Guitar picks, notebooks, clothes, little pieces of her that I'd never be able to replace. I left everything where she left it. I couldn't bare the thought of moving it and erasing her presence. The emptiness and isolation I felt was persistent. Her possessions became a prison to me.

My friends and family were desperate to help me. I didn't want their help, I just wanted Demi and they couldn't give me that. It was an impossibility. Instead, I pushed them away and shut them out. Jamie took it upon herself to check on me everyday. I barely spoke to her when she did. I was sick with grief and there wasn't a cure in sight.

Three months after the day I buried her, Jamie stopped coming. It was hard for her and I think that she needed a break. It was a lot for someone to take on. In her place Johnny showed up. His presence was far less understanding and disrupted me in ways that I will never be able to explain. He refused to accept the despondent state I was in and did everything he could to set me off. When he started moving her things around I nearly had a panic attack. The more he came around, the weaker I felt. I didn't have the energy to fight him.

I heard him walk through the door and announce his presence. Most days I simply ignored him. He walked through the bedroom door uninvited as usual. I didn't acknowledge him. He paused for a moment before speaking to me.

"Get up." He demanded.

"Go away." I said as I turned and faced away from him.

He let out a long sigh and yanked the blankets off.

"You don't get to do this. Demi wouldn't have wanted this."

"You don't know a damn thing about what Demi wouldn've wanted!" I snapped at him.

"I was her best friend!" He snapped back. "I would've been the best man at your fucking wedding if you two assholes would've told us you were getting married like regular people! But no, you did it secretly like a couple of weirdos. So yes. I know what she would've wanted. I knew her as well as you."

"Leave me be." I mumbled.

"No. You have a life that you're supposed to live. You're still here Selena. You have things to do." He said with conviction.

"It doesn't matter." I said as I choked back tears.

"Ok." He sighed. "You leave me no choice." He mumbled as he reached down and lifted the mattress, flipping me onto the floor.

"God dammit Johnny!" I yelled at him. "That hurt!"

"But you lived." He said as he knelt down next to me.

"I know what you're trying to do." My voice wavered. "And while I appreciate it, I'm not ready right now. I feel like I can barely breathe."

"I'm not asking you to do anything else but get out of bed." He said gently as he rested his hand on the small of my back.

He was right but I didn't care. Deep down I knew I couldn't keep doing this. With a great amount of resistance, I willed myself to stand up. I silently followed him down stairs and into the kitchen. I noticed that he'd opened the house up. All the windows and curtains were either opened or pulled back. The backdoor was also wide open, allowing the sun and fresh air to circulate through the house.