The Beauty & The Tragedy

How Do I Live?

Numbness. Complete and utter numbness. I couldn't feel anything. There was no poetic metaphor, no silver lining, not even a life lesson to be learned. She was just gone. The finality was irreversible and sudden. She was ripped from my life, leaving behind nothing but a gaping hole and no way to fix it. It was senseless to me.

The funeral was almost too much for me. Watching her being lowered into the hallowed earth made it all real. She was gone forever and I'd never hold her in my arms again. I'd never feel her skin beneath my finger tips. I'd never taste her lips again. This was her final resting place and she'd sleep for eternity.

Her death had a profound affect on everyone she was close to. The finality was something that no one could really prepare for and now that she was really gone, it hurt. Everyone was simply at a loss. She was taken without warning for no reason at all. Chance and stupidity got the best of her and there wasn't anything that she could have done about it. It was out of her control.

The funeral itself was rather large. She had a lot of close friends and I believe that was a side effect of her sobriety. She took the time to keep in touch with people and she built a lot of meaningful relationships because of it. She was barely getting started too. There was so much more she could've accomplished.

To add to the despair of the day, Matt wasn't able to attend because he had checked himself into Betty Ford. The accident had taken a toll on him mentally and he had started drinking heavily. It was so bad, Val was considering divorce. She couldn't have him around their son. Lauren, Johnny and Joe were the only band members in attendance. It was strange to see them so scattered and broken apart.

The service itself was difficult for me to sit through. It was beautiful but it hurt. Listening to people share their favorite memories of her was almost more than I could stand. Jamie held my hand through the entire thing and without her support I probably wouldn't have made it. She remained stoic so I didn't have to. The whole thing was a blur.

When it was finally over I just sat there in complete disbelief. I still couldn't believe that this was happening. Surely it was a terrible nightmare and I'd wake up. I could hear Jamie and my mom putting away dishes and it only confirmed what I knew to be true, this was real and it wasn't going to just go away. She was gone and she wasn't ever coming back.

Her final words to me weighed heavily on my mind.

I love you.

My mom tried to ease my pain but it was useless. She compared the time I had to put my dog to sleep to removing Demi from life support. While her intentions were good, the comparison was terrible. I couldn't process my feelings that way. Demi was so much more than that to me. She wasn't my favorite pet, she was my favorite person. She was my life and now she was gone. I had no idea what I supposed to do now.

I love you.

I could still hear the raspy texture to her voice as she spoke the words to me. I could still see her smile and hear her laugh as she hung out the window and drove away. I remember what she was wearing, what she smelled like, and the way she held my hand as we walked outside.

I love you.

"Hey Sel." Jamie said softly interrupting my thoughts. "It's Matt." She said as she handed me phone.

"Selena?" His voice rasped as I placed the phone against my ear.

"Yeah." I said softly.

"How....how was it?" His voice cracked.

"It was nice." I answered sadly.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there." I could hear the strain and tears as he spoke.

"It's ok." I reassured him. "She understands."

"I've gotta go." He choked out. I could hear the pain in his voice. "I love you."

He hung up the phone and I did the same. Today was a bad day for everyone and I'm sure the guilt of being absent weighed heavily on him. He was with her when it happened. He was one of the last people to see her alive. He was one of the last people to talk to her. He made it and she didn't.

It took my mom and Jamie a long time to clean up the house. I think it was on purpose because this wasn't the kind of party where people made messes. It was the worst kind of party. It was a bizarre tradition to me anyway. I will never be comfortable standing around and eating in someone's house after a loved one has passed. The fact that it was happening in this house broke my heart.

I knew that everyone was worried about me. I barely spoke and even when I did it was hardly more than one word or a simple nod of my head. I was in a daze and it was all sort of surreal to me. It hadn't fully sunk in and I was afraid of what would happen when it did because my heart just wasn't ready to accept that she was gone. My Demi didn't exist anymore.

I hadn't had a moment alone since it happened. Jamie was carful to make sure that either she was with me or someone else was. I had completely shut down and she kept me functioning just enough to make it through each day. Eventually she'd have to leave me be and I feared that moment more than anything. I also craved the solitude and the more I thought about it, the more appealing that became.

I could tell they were both hesitant when I asked them to leave. I needed to feel this and I couldn't do that under their watchful gazes. I needed privacy. I felt suffocated and obligated to hold myself together for their sake. I didn't want to anymore. I wanted to be alone because I needed to get used to how it felt.

They said their goodbyes and insisted I call if I needed anything. I went through the motions and reassured them that I would be fine, but inside I was dying. My heart was shattered into millions of pieces that could never be repaired. I was never going to be same person again. Part of me died with her.

They say that their are five stages to grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. I was pretty sure that I was experiencing four of those things at this exact moment and the last stage was something I'd never do. I couldn't accept the fact that she was gone, I refused. It would never be ok.

Without warning every bit of heartache and sadness I felt let itself out. I sank to floor sobbing with no one to dry my tears. My pained cries echoed through the hallways of this empty house. It was then in that moment, the weakest and most painful moment of my life, that I decided to just give up. It didn't matter what I did the pain wouldn't stop so I just gave in and let it have me. I shut all the windows, closed the blinds, and succumbed to the dark. I didn't want to do this without her anyway.

I stripped out of my clothes and pulled out one of her flannel shirts from the closet. It still smelled like her. I put it on then crawled into our bed. I could feel the metal of her wedding rings pressing into the skin against my chest. I wore them on a chain now. This was all I had left of her. Our empty house and every single dream we had that will never come true. Her death was the third and final time she knocked the wind out of me.

A/N: I apologize for all of your broken hearts. Stick with me. We'll get them patched up in no time. ;) Again this is a short update because I don't feel like dragging ya'll through the pits of hell slowly. Thank you for reading.