hey jealousy || Liam Dunbar

16

At school on Monday, Ryder didn't talk to Liam about his stupid crush on him. As the week went on, he still didn't bring it up. Scott asked him about it on Thursday. Walking up to the boy at school, he leans against his locker, staring intently at the shorter boy. 

"Are you planning on talking to Liam?" He asks, arms crossed, head tilted in question. Ryder sighs, already done with this conversation. "I don't know." He states, shutting his locker with a little more force than necessary. "Liam, your only going to feel worse if you don't talk to him." Ryder disagrees. "No, I'll feel worse if I do talk to him. Besides, I've always kept my feelings to myself. It'll go away." Scott shakes his head slowly, disapprovingly. Like a disappointed parent, scolding their eight year old for stealing candy from their siblings. "Well, at least listen to what's been going on?" Ryder nods, turning to face Scott fully, his full attention on the older boy. "All of us that read the book, are seeing things. Things that happened in the book." Scott explains briefly, sounding like he hates the thought of whatever he's been seeing. "What? What do you guys see?" Scott's frown grows, he's uncomfortable. "What the dread doctors do to people.  I know you've been busy all week, getting tutored in math and all, but this stuff is bad. Has Liam told you?" Ryder's confused, and Scott seems to notice because he quickly starts speaking again. "Hayden is a chimera." Ryder freezes, his entire body going ridged at the words. "What?" He asks, running a hand through his hair. "It's okay. Just...It's okay." Ryder nods, but honestly doesn't feel all that okay.  "I'll see you later. I'm gonna...Head to class." Scott nods, and gestures for Ryder to go, who quickly starts walking down the hall, leaving Scott there, feeling bad for his beta. He's been through so much.

Class goes by really slowly, and Ryder just doodles, ignoring his feelings and his disappointment that he has to help Scott defend her from the dread doctors. He has to help her. Not let the dread doctors kill her. Because while Scott didn't get the chance to say it, Ryder knows he's supposed to help her. Even though he dislikes the girl with a strong passion. She was an asshole to himself and Liam, and now he has to help her? That's not fair. 

"Hey Ryder." Mason greets after school, walking up beside the boy. Ryder nods his way in acknowledgement, and unlocks his car door. "Want to go to a party, with Liam and I?" Ryder thinks for a moment. "I don't know." He shrugs, a small frown etched onto his face. Mason tilts his head to the side, and pulls Ryder into his side. "Come on. It'll be fun. You'll have fun. Please?" Ryder sighs, but nods slowly. He's not going to let his stupid anger at Hayden ruin having fun with his friends. "Liam and I can come get you at seven?" Ryder nods, and gets in his car, giving Mason a smile, before heading home.

***
When Mason and Liam come get Ryder, it's seven thirteen, and the boy had just finished combing his hair out. He walks to the door, opening it and walking out into the late September breeze, waving to Liam who's waiting in Mason's car. "Hey." He greets Mason, giving him a smile. "You ready to have some fun?" His friend replies, a cool grin on his face as they make their way to the car. "Hell yeah." 

Ryder hears the music a literal mile away, the upbeat sound of the guitar and drums hammering in his ears when their just down the street. He steps out of the car right when it stops, Mason and Liam right behind him as they walk up to the house the party is at. "Alright, Mason, you drink and we'll make sure you get home safe." Ryder jokes, clapping his friend on the back. Just don't get hammered, okay?" Liam asks of Mason, who shrugs him off, walking into the crowd. "Don't tell him what he can and can't do. Drink lots Mason!" Ryder shouts after his friend, grinning ear to ear as he watches Mason grab a drink off one of the tables. "Come on Liam, let's find you a girl." Liam fidgets with his hands. "Actually, she's gonna be here soon." Ryder's heart stops and his eyes widen, and he's so glad he had turned away from Liam at that moment, because he's sure he looks like someone just snapped his puppy's neck. "Really?" He asks, feigning surprise instead of hurt. He turns back to Liam, ignoring the way his heart drops at Liam's small smile, thinking about the girl no doubt. "Hayden." He says, and Ryder suddenly wants to lash out and smash things, break and shatter whatever he can find. He doesn't. He tries to keep his anger in check, and swallows the bile rising in his throat. "Why?" Is all he can manage to ask, lucky his voice didn't break and he can manage to keep it steady. Liam looks confused at the question. "Cause I really like her." Ryder nods, but doesn't say anything for a minute. "That's weird." He starts, but continues before Liam can get a word in. "She was an asshole to you. Like, really, and I hit her. So this is kind of weird." Liam half shrugs, not caring. His expression and body language both show it. "It's okay, she'll only hold it against you for four years." Liam jokes around, but Ryder isn't laughing. He almost turns and punches the wall, but manages to control his growing rage. Letting out a huff of angry breath instead. "Does that not bother you? She held it against you for four years. Four years. Now it's okay cause she suddenly likes you?" Liam looks shocked at Ryder's anger at this. "That's so stupid." Liam frowns, but it soon turns to annoyance. "What does it matter to you? It's not your problem. Never is, remember? Since when do you care?" Ryder huff out a breathy laugh, rolling his eyes. "That's what I've been asking myself since I got here. I don't know why I care, and maybe I won't anymore. Because if your just gonna be stupid, there's no point. Is there?" Liam looks agitated, and mildly like he's going to hit Ryder. But Ryder isn't scared of Liam. "Then don't care. I'm not being stupid. I like her." Ryder's practically seething. "You shouldn't. She's an ass, and you know it. If you can't even realize you deserve at least slightly better, maybe you don't." Liam's eyes go wide, and Ryder suddenly just wants to get out of here. Either that, or throw himself at someone to forget what's happening at all.

Liam looks like he's gonna be the first to throw a punch. Ryder doesn't move. He believes that Liam shouldn't be with Hayden. That the way she treated him the first day of school, was bullshit. That Liam shouldn't stand for that shit. Yeah, Ryder understands hating someone then liking them. He doesn't understand that she hated him for four years. Was an asshole to him, and now he's with her. That's just not right. Who is he to judge though, Ryder realizes. He pushes everyone away, because he doesn't want them to be disappointed when they find out what he's really like. That's not right either. "Y'know what. Your fucking problem. I'm getting a drink." Ryder walks away, pretending that whole thing didn't happen, and that his heart isn't drowning in it's own sorrow. 

It's okay. Ryder reminds himself after the fifth drink. He feels only a slight buzz, but it's gone after fifteen seconds. He considers just going home with someone. That sounds fun. He downs another drink. It's not a big deal. His crush on Liam will go away. He downs another.

He still feels nothing but disappointment after downing so many drinks, and doesn't know how, but finds himself pushing some girl against a wall, his mouth on hers, as he listens to the sound of his own heartbeat ringing in his ears as the thoughts remind him this isn't what he wants. He ignores all of those thoughts, continuing to kiss the probably too skinny black haired girl. He internally cringes at her high pitched whine, and he almost wants to scream, knowing it would be drowned out by the sound of the music and that it would be muffled by her mouth, pressed firmly against his own. He doesn't want this. 

***

Ryder finds himself going home at three in the morning, after the girl had to leave with her friend at one thirty. He watches Hayden and Liam crawl into the back seat of the car, all fits of giggles, and just listens to Mason's drunken laughter as he talks to a cute brunette boy, who's walking him to his car. "Looks like I'm driving." Ryder mumbles, rolling his eyes.  Ryder isn't sure he can handle an entire twenty minute drive listening to Hayden's laughter mingling with Liam's. Or Mason's drunken giggling and that he's not sober enough to help Ryder keep from crashing the car into the freeway on an impulse to end his suffering. God, it's not even because he hates Hayden right now. It's that he doesn't want to hear anyone's voice. He's annoyed at nothing and everything right now, and tries turning up the music to drown out his thoughts and the sound of Hayden smothering his crush with kisses. 

The drive was horrible, Ryder isn't sure how anyone could survive that. He drops Hayden off first, since her house is closest of course. Not because he just wanted her out of the car. Then he drops off Liam, waving goodbye, plastering on a fake grin as he watches Liam walk up the driveway. Then he takes Mason home, putting the boy's keys in his pocket and walking down the street, towards home. He'll feel better in the morning.