Elevator Music √ minjoon √

xviii

- f l a s h b a c k -

f i r s t   p e r s o n   f o c u s

---

It was a sunny spring day when I decided; it's time.

I wanted so bad to end it all.

I wanted so bad to finally sleep.

I wanted so bad to come out.

So, it was time to make a choice.

But not everyone's dreams can come true. Not yours, and not mine. But it wasn't much of a dream. More like a desire. I had two choices. One; I could come out of the golden closet doors, where my father would be waiting for me with sticks and stones so he could brake my bones. Or, two; I could end it all in a heartbeat.

What was my answer? I'd do neither. I didn't wanna die by my own hands, but I didn't wanna be killed either. Or disowned. So I decided to bottle up my feelings. Because that's the answer to everything... right? 

Right.

So, that's what I'll keep doing.

Even if I wanna wear cute oversized knit sweaters.

Even if I'm not happy in my own body.

Even if I wanna put on a little eyeliner before work.

Or even if I find myself wanting to kiss a cute blonde boy.

I can't.

I won't.

Because 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me', is the biggest lie.

Words do hurt me. And so do punches. And so do broken bottles. And so does the want to be with someone who is forbidden to you, but not to everyone else. And so does the burning desire to be something that you cannot be. Believe it or not, I don't want to be called 'faggot'. I don't want to be called a 'sissy'. I don't want to be called 'disgusting'. 

I don't want to stand out from the crowd.

So I won't. I didn't. I still don't. Because I am a straight and dominant male.

Right?

-knj