Lost Love

Chapter 19

When does the pain of losing a loved one go away? Honestly I don't think I can handle the heartache and tears anymore. I just want them back......
Whisper

"Baby, are you ready for this?"
Everything was packed safely into the car and we had five more hours before our flight.
It's been years since I've stepped my foot inside the cemetery...I hadn't come back here once since mum was buried.
I know that sounded so cruel of me but I couldn't just face the fact that mum was really gone; I didn't want to believe it- a part of me wanted to hold on to the fact that she was somewhere and she would walk through the door with her charming smile and hug me. I was in denial and I knew it but refused to believe it.
Every time I would hear dad cry that portion holding on to that belief would break off piece by piece. College had a way of distracting me from my life without mum especially with Emily and Christian in the picture. Now they were gone and I needed to face reality. Mum is gone forever; I am leaving this town and I need closure. That's why this morning dad drove us to the flower shop to get flowers for mum and presently we are at the entrance of the cemetery.
Dad must have sensed my discomfort which prompted his question. I am so not ready for this but I need to do this.
I clutched the pendant on my neck and placed my foot in front of the other to move towards the direction of her gravestone. Although its been years but I remember every detail of this place from the burial ceremony.  Mum's gravestone was located under a weeping willow tree.
I walked up to it slowly with the white roses we bought in my hands. Mum loved white roses; she said they represented purity, innocence and new beginnings. Funny enough her name; Sabrina means white rose in Arabic.
"Mum, dad; where are we going? This is not the way to school, I will be late"
"Sweetie we are going to the flower shop to get white roses"
"What for mum?"
"Sweetie, white roses represents a lot of things. For our case now it represents new beginnings. You are starting a new grade, its something to celebrate"

I smiled bitterly as I remembered that memory. Anytime anyone of us embarked on something new she would buy a bunch of white roses to celebrate.
Staring at her gravestone I was at a loss for what to do. I knelt down and placed the flowers on it while tracing the writings on the stone. "Mrs Sabrina Smith; wife, mother, daughter and sister; gone too soon"
I began talking by filling her on the events going on in my life after her death; my first day in college, Emily, my crush on Chris, how we started dating, how he cheated on me and now that we are moving to Paris. I don't know why I did that but I felt I just needed to tell her about my life.
When all that was done, I began my speech- the one I was never able to say during her burial and after that till today;
"Its been 11 years mummy and I can't stop thinking about you; the way your eyes light up whenever you are happy, the mole right beside your lips that I kiss whenever I'm headed out of the house, the way you cry with me and hug me when we watch a sad movie together, the light in your eyes when dad gets you a present or when we go out to have our weekly spa treatments. Mummy I miss you so much, I was never ready for you to leave me- to leave us. If I had known, I wouldn't have bothered you to take me to the park. Because of that I can't hold you anymore or hug you whenever I'm sad. Dad is trying his best but we both miss you mummy; there's a big hole in our hearts in the shape of you that can never be filled by anybody. You were my hero and you will always be. We are moving mummy; we are moving to Paris to start afresh but how can we when a major part of our lives is here in this town 6 feet under the ground? This past years without you has been horrible; I wish this pain in my chest would stop but I don't think it can because you know why mummy? Because you are gone forever and the pain here is just a reminder of that. I came here for closure mum; to find peace but I don't know if I'm getting that because my tears are coming out more than the last time I was here. I'm sorry I shyed away from stepping my foot here but I just couldn't make myself do it knowing it was somehow my fault that you are here. Dad said I shouldn't blame myself but how can't I mum? I miss you mummy; you were gone too soon. Dad misses you a lot you know; I think a lot more than I do. He cries himself to sleep and he buried himself in his work but I guess he's getting better. I won't stop saying this mummy; I-I miss y...." my voice broke at the end as I erupted into loud sobs at the edge of her gravestone.
"Baby its ok, its ok" dad said as he continued to rub my back to soothe me.
"I miss her so much dad and it hurts so bad, really bad dad. I don't think it will ever stop hurting. Why did she leave us?"
"Baby stop crying. The pain will always be there but it will get better I promise you that"
We stayed like that for a long time before we headed back to the car to start a new life in Paris.

So how many of you cried while reading this chapter.....I did...I cried a lot while writing it. To get in the mood, I had to listen to sad songs and watch a sad movie. I have never lost a loved one but I wanted my lovely readers to feel the pain of Charlotte Smith.
So I want your comments to roll in...how did this chapter go for you and what did you feel??
Feel free to point out my mistakes...I might not be able to correct it now but I promise you when the whole book is done; I will edit and correct those mistakes.....