Harry is having another nap. As many teenagers enjoy the activity, even magical ones. I know that I love naps. Naps are awesome, they are almost as good as sleeping in on a weekend. So you can imagine the distress of having nightmares.
HARRY (in his dreams): Oh no! I'm a snake! I'm in the Department of Mysteries. It's so wonderfully mysterious! Must open door and learn secrets. But wait! I'm a snake! And I'm....eating Arthur Weasly?
Wakes up suddenly panting
HARRY: Ron I'm having a nightmare
RON: Go tell Dumbledore!
HARRY: Ron I'm eating your dad!
DUMBLEDORE: DW, we'll send over some help
They save Arthur Weasly but only just. Harry still wants to know what's behing door number five.
DUMBLEDORE: Harry Voldemort's reading your mind, so you need to take Occlumency lessons from Proffessor snape. Meaning you'll have to spend hours a week locked up taking secret lessons with the teacher that you hate.
HARRY: Wonderful
DUMBLEDORE: Excuse me, Oprah's on now
During Occlumency lessons:
SNAPE: Basically, I'm going to try to read your mind and you have to stop me
HARRY: What?! Have you been talking to Umbridge or something? Oh no! I can't stop you! You'll read all my teenage secrets!
SNAPE: Mwahahahaha!
SNAPE: Man you can't even protect your mind against dark forces? What are you hanging out with Frodo now? No wonder Cho won't go out with you!
~~
HARRY: Hey Cho, I really like you
CHO: Yea, I like you too
*smooch*
HARRY: So do you wanna like I dunno, like go out sometime? I mean we could go to Hogsmeade or something. You know, if you're free
CHO: Actually, I like you but I don't really like like you as much as Cedric...Plus you carried my ex boyfriend's dead body out of an arena that you claimed Lord Voldemort was hiding behind
HARRY: Awks.
~~
Harry has a bad dream, again, and this time he dreams that Voldemort kidnapped Sirius Black, Harry's godfather who is suffering from post-incarceration 'I'm useless' disorder.
HARRY: I think I wanna check on Sirius. Too bad I can't skype him
RON: Why don't you just stick your head in the fireplace and give him a call. Seriously, I don't know how muggles can even keep in contact eachother without magic.
HARRY: Okay.
Kreacher the evil house elf that works for Sirius via house elf slavery tells Harry that Sirius is in fact gone and not at home, therefore Harry logically concludes that he must have been kidnapped by Lord Voldemort when really Sirius Black was trying to keep his half eagle, half horse Hippogriff from escaping.
ME: Yea the same thing happened to me last summer. Yup, totally know the feeling. I think there's a meme for it actually and an app to help you organise your relatives in terms of species and breed.
HARRY: Ron, Hermione, let's roll
NEVILLE: I wanna come too!
FRED: Dito, I didn't give up my lunches learning to fight for nothing!
RON: Shot gun!
On a thestral? I know I know, but it's just funny.
They make it to the ministry of magic and to the Department of mysteries only to find out that not only is Sirius black NOT there, but that he's probably on his way there to save Harry from the Death Eaters who were conveniently waiting for them.
And what? may you ask, was in the department of mysteries?
HARRY: Look guys here's my life's prophecy in a crystal ball. It would suck if it broke!
DEATH EATERS: Harry, hand it over
HARRY: Or what?
BELLATRIX LESTRANGE: Or I'll kill your friends
GINNY: Orignal
One epic wand battle later, all the crystal balls in the department of mysteries crash and the gang make their way to some kind of chasm.
RON: That's a good plan, let's outrun the death eaters
HERMIONE: Ron look
HARRY: Man these guys are fast
Order of the Phoenix to the rescue. Basically, there is another epic wand battle and Sirius black is killed by his cousing Bellatrix lestrange, and Harry Potter emotionally scarred.
He runs after Bellatrix lestrange trying to kill her, but she basically outcrazies him and Lady Gaga by a mile and he wimps out.
Voldemort explicitely calls him out for being a chicken until Dumbledore shows up and then everyone finds a seat to watch the show.
Dumbledore kicks Voldemort's ass in an even epicer wand battle until Voldemort chickens out an leaves but not before breaking some more ministry of magic glass.
Fudge (wizarding world Bush) arrives in time to say 'He's Back'.
HARRY: That's what I've been trying to tell you for the past year and a half you Nimrod
jk that's what I wish he'd said but he didn't
Meanwhile in the school BTW Umbridge was kidnapped by angry centaurs
Harry finally becomes popular
The End
Book 6 coming soon!
