Harry finds a diary lying around in the flooded girls bathroom.
HARRY: Finders keepers!
Later that night he writes in the book and it starts talking back to him.
BOOK: Hey Harry!
HARRY: Hey Book! What's your name?
BOOK: Lord Vold- I mean Tom Riddle! Hey and guess what! You know your friend Hagrid? Yea, he's the heir of slytherin!
HARRY: OMG. BRB
At Hagrid's hut.
HARRY: Hagrid, did you murder some girl in school because you're a descendant of Salazar Slytherin, one of the racist founders of our school and have the power to control a giant monster?
HAGRID: No!
DRACO: AHA! I knew it! I'm gonna get you fired Hagrid!
HAGRID: Oh man! Thanks a lot Harry
HARRY: What do you want me to do?
HAGRID: Feed the dog
HARRY: No! About the heir of slytherin situation where all the mudbloods are suddenly dropping semi dead!
HAGRID: Oh. Follow the spiders
HARRY: That's exactly what I was going to say (not really I don't understand) :[
They take Hagrid to jail the next day. Harry realizes that his book was stolen.
HARRY: What am I going to do now Ron?
RON: Don't worry, my diary was stolen once, but my brothers didn't take too much advantage of it!
Harry rolls eyes and they all go downstairs. There they find a trail of spiders leading to the forbidden forest.
HARRY: Hey Ron! Let's follow the spiders!
RON: I thought I was the one with the stupid ideas!
HARRY: Oh give it a rest, you wanna get Hagrid out of jail don't you?
The spiders get larger and larger and finally they get to the thick of the forest where they see a giant spider.
GIANT SPIDER: Hello my name is Aragog. I want to eat you.
HARRY: But Hagrid sent us. He's in trouble.
ARAGOG: How can I help?
HARRY: Did Hagrid open the chamber of secrets?
ARAGOG: No. Now I will eat you!!
Pause. If you want to know how a giant spider that lives in the forest with other giant spiders knows about the drama of a school, read the novels.
The car that they lost earlier comes to the rescue and saves them.
HARRY: Thank goodness for that!
Go back to the school. The next day.
MACGONAGAL: The Chamber of Secrets has be opened and the heir of slytherin has actually taken one of the students inside!! Lockheart! Dumbledore is away doing the work for Fudge and since in your books you have written about how you conquer great beasts, you're our best bet!
LOCKHEART: I just remembered my ankle is swollen and it's my meema's 90th birthday and you know Vampire Diaries is on and I want to know if Elena finally told Damon how she feels...
SNAPE: Seriously?
LOCKHEART: Okay I'll go get my stuff.
Harry and Ron follow Lockheart.
HARRY: Proffessor! We know were the Chamber of Secrets is!
LOCKHEART: Greeeeaat >(
They all go to the girls bathroom and Harry opens the Chamber of Secrets by speaking Parsletongue and one of the sinks moves away to reveal a giant tunnel that leads to a deep dark tunnel.
LOCKHEART: Youngest first!
RON: Look pal, either we do this the easy way, or the hard way. You pick (cracks knuckles) because I have a lot of experience with the hard way.
Lockheart goes down the chute.
Once again, as a theme in the series, something blocks Ron and Lockheart from getting to the main fight scene, because it is afterall the Harry Potter series.
Harry finds out that the kid who had been kidnapped was Ron's little sister Ginny. She is lying on the floor and there is the book and there is a teenage boy standing nearby.
HARRY: Hey who are you?
TOM RIDDLE: Tom Riddle.
HARRY: Right! The diary dude.
TOM RIDDLE: LOLJK no I'm actually Lord Voldemort! And I'm going to let the Basilisk out to eat you while I kill this girl Ginny.
HARRY: Gasp!
Basilisk comes out and chases around Harry and obviously he beats it. If you want to know the logistics involving a phoenix, a hat and a sword forged by goblins (Sword of Gryffindor). I pray you read the book!
Harry breaks off one of the teeth of the Basilisk and stabs the diary with it and the teenage boy disintegrates.
GOOD LOOKING TEENAGE LORD VOLDEMORT: Noooooo! I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddeling kids! I'll get you next time!
Harry, Ginny, Ron and the accidentaly obliviated (Ron cast the obliviate spell on Lockheart by accident with his broken wand and now he is more of a lunatic than before) Lockheart go back up stairs have a party.
GINNY: Hey Harry I like you.
HARRY: TTYL!
They go back home. Uncle Vernon comes to pick him up.
UNCLE VERNON: Why meeeeee?!!
